Monday, September 10, 2001 :::

I MISS MUSIC. DAMN, do i miss music. Went to the Music Department on campus today and discovered, to my dismay, that one must be either a music major or minor in order to take part in ANY music class of ANY sort. Fucking ridiculous! It's insane...and it really has damaged my happiness here...but i'm gonna find a way around this, somehow. I'll find a way to formally get back into music, even if it means regular private practice in my room, by myself. I just prefer playing along with someone else so much more than that...but what can i do. at least i have my guitar equipment all hooked up, and fresh strings on the ax, finally. I'm sure it'll all work out fairly quickly, one way or another...i just wish i had someone to share this with! LKAHSLDJFLKASDJFLAHSDFLAJDSF;LKAJDS;L

I'm getting THAT WAY, again...tired of repetition, tired of regularity, tired of routine, tired of predictability. And the city is seeming smaller each day. I know that all i need is inspiration-wait...well, yeah, that's true, but what i REALLY need is someone that sees eye to eye with me. Someone I can relate to, and someone who relates to me...a match-or something CLOSE to it, anyway. i can't really say that i've ever had that...i've never felt completely comfortable with confiding in someone, cuz i always knew that i'd never get the type of response that i wanted. it's always the same general type of sympathy, or else I know that it will be. of course, i can ALWAYS talk to Him, and i do...but sometimes one really needs an earthly hand to hold, or rather, to hold one's hand. Whenever this kind of mindset consumes my attitude, i usually wind up just pushing it away and endulging in that which is good, deciding that it was only me...that i was the problem the whole time, concentrating on the negative, or thinking too much, or whatever, but i'm 95 percent sure that this is not the case. if it was, i wouldn't keep winding up here...and the other thing is that each time i do, it's clearer as to what i want/need in order to dissolve this state. so, i'll not resort to the "easy" and familiar way out this time. This isn't to say that i will remain here until i get that which i feel is needed to grow, for prolonged sadness, or whatever title you want to give the condition, is just silly. there IS plenty of beauty waiting outside my door, and i'll not shut it out-but i won't shut out my honest desire to destroy, erase, and improve the elements that are "plaguing" me. the recurring eclipse will end...

and ANYWAY, i'm going to write a book about sadness being an absolute waste of time, right? at least, that's what i said earlier today. hmmm...maybe i should have thought that through a bit more. i could still write on a similar topic, describing how it's ridiculous to wade in self-pity, to worry, to remain depressed, to think of times when one used to be depressed, and so on. the truth is that we all have vulnerabilities, and we get hurt at times (even though i used to think that was untrue, too...when i was numb), so there's no point in denying that, but there's no point in examining that, either...or celebrating it...or wallowing in it...or even making conversation about it. THAT is a waste of perfectly good and valuable time which could be spent in happiness. Living in past failures and periods of depression is just horrible, and i can't stand it when people do that-especially people that i care about.

Now, i realize that the 2 previous paragraphs may seem to contradict each other...but i think that if you read the more-recent one close enough, it will make sense. Time spent dissecting sadness from a logical point of view is not in vain, if you know that you can defeat it-and it's always defeatable in one way or another. But don't ignore and swallow it. Allow for happiness, but don't forget the need to beat the problems following you, or you'll always wind up in the same place. I believe that after following this practice for a while, nothing will be capable of causing extreme, or prolonged sadness, as tolerance/methods of breaking the cycle will be developed and familiar.

If anyone reads this, will they PLEASE respond with their feelings toward it? Thank you...
munkys4u@bellsouth.net

watched The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari tonight...quite interesting-in retrospect, especially. Almost Fight Club-esque in conclusive affect...

argh...lack of inspiration to write...

___________________________________

lying alone
smiling Upward through the ceiling
paying no attention to enclosing walls
happy.
___________________________________

filling in the cracks
melting
adhesive purity, wholeness
complete.
___________________________________

soft ambience
encompass, fulfill
whisper waterfall
escape all limitation.

I'm enjoying those more and more...i'm so accustomed to writing epic lyrical pieces; simplicity is so much more appropriate and...just...RIGHT sometimes. *smile*

well...i'm all out of interesting content, here.

DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION IS THE GREATEST!

I MISS: Melo (look, you're first on the list that maintains no order (!!!)), Lauren, Absent, Italian FireSnow, and walking down my street to get the mail back home.

love,
alan

::: posted by AJBrotz at 9:58 PM

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