Monday, October 29, 2001 :::

Incubus: 11 AM
Incubus: Nice to Know You

Dammit. I am so weak, it is not funny.
Lust is the devil.
I really wish that I did not have a sex drive. Seriously. It would make my life much easier...much less guilt-ridden...and much more enjoyable in honesty and purity. It is like what one wise comedian said on television once: if I did not have a sex drive, I could be myself.

I am getting back into the swing of correct grammar usage. No contractions (I'm, isn't, we're, etc.), capitalization where appropriate, and whatever else comes into play during typing sessions.

Once again, I am running on 1.5 hours of sleep (at best). This is just sick.

The Gator game this past weekend (vs Georgia) was hellafun...it was great to spend time with my family in an unfamiliar setting. The best part of it all may have been getting reacquainted with Scott, the first real friend I ever had in Oviedo. Him and I grew up together in my neighborhood back home, but since he attended a different high school (Oviedo, COUGH COUGH), we kinda' lost touch. thus, it was awesome reminiscing on the way to and back from Jacksonville. Memories are the ultimate; especially when you can share them with someone, and have long forgotten ones resurface during conversation. The CRAZIEST part of the whole weekend, though, was where we sat during the game. Our seats were located in the lower upper bowl, I believe, but we were as low as it goes; there was no one in front of us-just a short glass (plexiglass?) boundary with a metal bar to prevent any falling over the edge. Although our view of the field was superb, I felt extremely uneasy for the first few hours. I have always feared heights, and I believe that I always will; it just doesn't seem like something I would ever be able to defeat. This setup, our seats and our view, was the perfect fuel for my fear; a golden-gate-esque bridge in the distance to the left, a harbor of sorts outside the stadium to my right, and SKY. GD SKY. I swear...I am more comforted by looking down than I am by looking up. But the bridge was the worst...seeing those tiny cars drive so far upward, high above the water...*shiver* Man. But the strangest part of it all, and I am fairly sure that this is accurate, was my internal desire to quickly stand up and hurl myself over the edge of the plexiglass boundary. NOW, what the hell does THAT mean? It was completely FEELING, not thought...but the more I thought about it, I realized that it TRULY was an instinctive inclination to jump...to fall. I was completely intrigued and utterly terrified when I realized this at the stadium, and the more I pondered this phenomenon, the stronger it got...so I found another way to occupy my mind; I got some food, and concentrated very closely on the game. Is this some kind of weird foresight? A sign? There have always been two things that I believe to be explainable only by a previous life, or by some kind of premonition of fate: the terrifying, deafening silence in a certain series of recurring dreams I have had (there is more to them...but it is so fucking difficult and trying to explain), and any real-life experience that creates a direct connection with the feelings associated with those dreams. The terror that I felt this past Saturday rivaled that which I have receieved in those dreams. Maybe it is just some weird chemical-oriented thing in my brain, or maybe it is all a result of some forgotten, traumatic childhood experience; I am sure that I will never know. It is, however, important enough to note and at least attempt to understand to some degree, due to its intensity and absolute horror.

Or maybe the whole thing occurred to get me into the Halloween spirit.

I am still very curious as to who "An Admirer" is. This person's post is one of the main reasons that I continue to post as frequently as I do. BAH...it is so freakin' frustrating when people leave their identity a mystery.

Extreme happiness tainted by worry accompanies the thought of Brian's recently reignited hope for love. He and a certain someone in New York have been keeping in touch over the internet for about five years now...and they recently broke new communicational ground with webcam chatting (lol, what IS this world coming to?)...ANYWAY, she is extremely attractive, and a little younger than Brian, and for some reason, it seems to me that there could be something substantial between the two of them. I could be completely wrong here, but it just feels like there may very well be a strong connection between them. So, not thinking clearly, I gave Brian a brief synopsis of my thoughts, and now, he, too, has developed a similar sense of hope. As he put it in a post on the Absent guestbook, he believes that he "may have found the one to last a lifetime." Further, Brian and his family are visiting New Jersey and New York this Christmas...coincidence? Could very well be...but for Brian's sake, I hope not. If this all falls through, I am going to feel horrible, and fairly guilty...but everything happens for a reason, so even if it does not work out, I am confident that the whole occurence will have set something else in motion with regard to Brian's inevitable lovelife.

While on this subject, the four people that I most want to acquire rockin' female companionship are Drew, Brian, Brock, and Raudebaugh. Drew definitely has his shit together and is ready for a serious, intimate relationship. I believe that the last three have a bit more self discovery to do yet...but I also believe that one is never truly finished discovering his self. Perhaps the right girl would help? I know that I, myself, would not mind this...

I may be getting sick again...which is horrid, since Absent has a show Wednesday night. I AM GETTING BACK ON TRACK this week; after the final performance of Absent's original lineup.

The weather has gotten far too cold for my taste. I prefer cool, summer wind, not frigid-ass, cut-through-your-skin wind.

-nostalgia

::: posted by AJBrotz at 11:51 AM

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