Sunday, October 21, 2001 :::

too much stress.

Absent, School, Apartment Life, and Intimate Relations have become leeches...sucking away all of my energy, causing me to be irritable, depressed, and overly exhausted. I do not need any lecherous affiliations. However, each of these elements also provides the supreme excitement and satisfaction that is existent in my life. SO, the logical course is to eliminate the infections in each of these drastically important areas of my life. Of course, this is not an easy task when the enemy is embodied by the ally.

If only exorcism could be performed upon the afflicted by an anonymous source.

i am a perfectionist. i know NO other perfectionists. this is a problem.

when i meet a beautiful girl that is a perfectionist, enjoys music, is intelligent, has an optimistic view on life, and can physically share music with me in some manner, I think i will know that i have met my match.

how can i play in a band that does not include a single perfectionist? i do not know...

i cannot see myself playing in a band like Absent for a career. i need EVERY MEMBER OF THE BAND to be participating for the beauty and benefit of the music, NOT THEMSELVES, and THIS CIRCUMSTANCE ALONE should electrify and enthuse the musicians beyond explanation. ignorant stubbornness and foolish pride is absolutely ridiculous and should have no part in the creation/performance of music. i could go on and on here...and i'm sure i will in some future writing, or blog, or whatever. but that's enough for now.

now, do not make the misconception that i think myself to be perfect, in light of all this perfectionistic talk. i realize SEVERAL of my flaws...and believe me, I am my harshest critic. that is the God's honest truth, and it is the reason why i feel cursed. but i deal, and often pride myself on my incessant self criticism. it is constructive; thus, it is justified.

i have been pondering an interesting outlook on suicide that was proposed by a good friend of mine. while i believe it to be strongly flawed, i can understand how she feels it to be justified in 2 of the 3 scenarios she discussed. once again, I DO NOT AGREE WITH SUICIDE; rather, i can relate to the mindset where it would seem like a viable alternative to living. and i have not the first clue why i typed that. i suppose it provides more pieces to the puzzle entitled "ME" that i am trying to put together.

perfectionism. disease...blessing...curse...gift...detrimental...positive...

will i quit Absent sometime in the near future? perhaps. do i want to? no. is it the only solution that i can see? no, but it is the only one that i would be able to enforce on my own.

school. the idea of school supplies me with hope for the future. however, i am afraid that if i pursue my future occupational desires, i will be pursuing them alone. this consequence would be externally and internally enforced, since my area of work would only satisfy me if I had full control of it, and it is unlikely (however hoped for) that i would run into someone that shared the same loves, outlooks, and attitudes as me towards music. right now, the only person i know that comes somewhat close to that ideal is Brock...

and i feel that this entry was a healthy exercise.

-i don't feel like talking...i feel like listening to something of substance. i feel like laying on the beach, and not moving at all, allowing the tide to wash over me with whatever force it sees fit. i feel like going somewhere COMPLETELY unfamiliar for a year, with no familiar contacts. i feel like falling indefinitely. i feel like laying beneath a waterfall; again, without movement.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 10:06 PM

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