Tuesday, April 30, 2002 :::

things have been going really well lately...-it's absolutely amazing what a little time outside does for one's spirits.

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now that classes are over, i'm ALMOST stress-free. GLORIOUS. all that remains is Thursday's astronomy exam, which i should be studying for right now...

lately, i've just been spending most of my time thinking...mainly about myself...trying to REALLY figure myself out and establish a consistent Alan. more and more, i realize how envious i am of certain people...certain friends of mine who seem more self-confident, more secure. all in all, i wish i was stronger, i guess. less reserved, more vocal...etc. and i hate how cynical i've become...-how it takes so much to impress me...to really get me excited. but...maybe all of this is simply who i am, for better or for worse. i am seeing growth over time, but not nearly at the rate that i'd prefer.
a particularly frightening scenario that i may be presented with in the near future is "fronting" my band, without a guitar. that guitar (or a drum set) has always been there to kinda shield me from the audience...-it gave me something to hold on to. know what i'm saying? anyway, a frontman has to have an exhorbent (sp?) amount of energy and enthusiasm, especially for the type of music that Absent plays. when i think of energy, i think of Will, and the absolute admiration and envy that i hold for his unrestrained (albeit goofy and immature, at times) light (life-force, energy; insert better noun here: __________). i'm pretty sure that that's what has always caused me to look up to him...-that and the fact that he's basically the only older sibling-esque family member that i have.

and i'm starting to lose confidence in my voice.

it's freakin' awesome that most everyone that i've talked to had a fabulous time at prom...while i chilled here with a few friends and watched Original Sin - which, by the way, is a pretty damn good movie. it's kinda hard to make it through the whole thing...but you'll be glad that you did.

i'm contemplating attempting to steal a dvd...-from which store, i don't know. appropriately, it is entitled "Steal this Movie." it's GREAT, and i'm sure that after you check it out, you'll understand why i'd love to own it, but hate to buy it.

all my love and prayers to 2 particular families.

-aj

::: posted by AJBrotz at 5:12 PM

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