Thursday, July 18, 2002 :::

Intuition. Insight. Emotions. Feelings.
Take the quiz.

i need to live here. on the beach. or at least have a house here. need. it just feels like home. i experienced an absolutely perfect sunset tonight - while running along the shore, i noticed that part of it jutted out into the ocean...-a sandbar. i went out to the edge of it, alone, except for a few seagulls flying overhead, and this one elegant, proud, grayish crane-like bird, who i could have walked over to if i had wanted to. he was looking for dinner, and i was watching the sun set. beautifully. if this sounds trite, that's really too bad...because it really was an awesome experience...and i know that you would had to have been there... - anyway. i sat there for about an hour, watching this perfect sunset...surrounded by literally trillions of shells. infinite, it seemed. and the breeze...nonstop... - it really was perfect. all of it. i would have loved to share it with someone...but only someone who truly would have appreciated it on same level that i did...and sadly, i can think of few friends (no offense at ALL) who wouldn't have gotten bored...or would have simply stuck it out for my sake...or whatever...and that's fine and all... - i'd rather have no one there than someone forcing it, and by "it," i mean anything. the small things are so unspeakably important to me...on a level where verbal awareness or acknowledgement is absolutely unnecessary and detrimental to the moment... - either you feel it, or you don't, basically. it's that simple...or that complicated, depending on the person, i suppose. you know what's terrifying? how history shows that ageing = closing off your emotional/psychic/______ receptiveness. it all goes back to the whole thing where children seem like they see, or know, what adults just don't...and i'm praying so hard that i hang onto whatever it is that keeps that openness...open. and i hope that everyone aware of this..."phenomena" or whatever u want to call it realizes that it's fragile...and priceless...and so, so awesome. i can see that my parents have lost a lot of it... - every now and then i see a flicker, but...eh. and maybe everyone isn't born with this openness...but i choose to believe that everyone is. it goes along with my belief in divinity, i suppose...belief in the soul, etc. no one is going to read this :) and that's probably good. i sound selfish throughout most of it...and it's only after typing for this long that i really get honest...that i start typing for myself. but now i've acknowledged it, and the authenticity is sure to fade soon...so we'll try this again another night. is it possible to be depressed, but think that you're happy? i don't think so. stupid online quizes, i swear to God. the Beatles were/are fabulous.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 1:09 AM

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