Monday, January 27, 2003 :::

It feels as if there is so much lost time to make up for, "but I don't owe anything to anyone but me" - identify that lyric, and I'll hug your leg. Life is definitely in full motion (as opposed to apathy - life at a standstill)...but I never cease to feel that my sails are not set at their full potential. Why this constant lack of fulness...this neverending partial emptiness? I want to embrace, but can never seem to open my arms wide enough. Friday night, for the first time in a long time, I prayed, thanking God, asking his forgiveness and direction...included some casual banter... - it was "nice." That night, I had some interesting dreams, but they all had this positive aura to them, and I awoke with energy - with enthusiasm, which isn't all that common for me. It has often been routine for me to place the blame for this "emptiness" on my occasional deterrance from communication with "Him," so there's no doubt that that's saying something. Obviously, more "concrete" factors are prevalent, such as the absence of any real physical activeness in my day-to-day life...but I am working on that. The main problem right now that has the most immediate possible solution is my virtual inability to attend my Physical Basis of Music class. If I get that under my belt, then I will have obtained a stronger sense of accomplishment, which will in turn aid the other areas of my psyche that are struggling. It's amazing to me how feelings of achievement and accomplishment can cause a complete 180 in one's attitude and confidence level...simple, but for some reason, it seems almost inexistent in my mind. It's like, I feel that this should have been tought to me, to us, to our parents... - it is conceivable to me that a life without some sort of pride is...terrible. I feel that it is appropriate at this time to mention the most visible embodiment of my errors, which stems from having never mastered the art of "discipline" - sleep logic. Countless times I have set my alarm, woken up, and "reasoned" with myself that a) I have more time to sleep; b) I need more sleep; c) I don't really need to go to class - I'll make up an excuse later and everything will be fine. Those reasons seem to be the most common, but while in the realm of sleep logic, practically any reason seems reasonable. There is no worse feeling for me than the guilt that comes with realizing that I slept through class...AGAIN...without any valid excuse. It truly makes me sick (mentally) - it's really a vicious cycle, beginning with missing class, following with feeling shitty about missing class, which dissolves self-confidence - which is necessary for initiative to change, and then, the cycle begins again. I know (while I'm fully awake) that if I could just kick my ass out of bed for about 5 or 10 minutes, I could escape the clutches of sleep logic, but I rarely enact this knowledge.
The coming morning presents me with another opportunity to turn it all around... - we'll see if I can't take advantage. And yes, I realize that this may seem pathetic to many of you reading...but ultimately, you aren't me, so if you don't sympathize or understand, that fact alone is enough justification for me. No intention of sounding harsh there...

I didn't intend to write about all of that - which I know is the best reason for me to have written it. Authenticity is key.

A song to sum it all up:

Awake at ground zero...
Another day wasting away.
Nothing seems to matter,
'Cause nothing's ever changed.
California dreamin'
Has never meant that much to me
When living in this nightmare
Comes so easily.

Holding on, when I don't belong
If this is right, then I can't go wrong
Holding on, but I know right now 'll never make it.

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow
And figure out where to begin...
Then maybe I won't feel so hollow
But I'm pretty sure that I'll be sleeping in.

Days seem like they're decades
And minutes pass like years gone by...
Still I sit here wasting
The time of my life.
California dreamin'
Will never mean that much to me,
And you'll never understand
How it feels to be

Holding on, when you don't belong,
When you don't feel right, but it's all you've got...
Holding on, but I'm pretty sure I'll never make it.

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow
And figure out where to begin.
Then maybe I won't feel so hollow...
It's 3 AM and it feels like these 4 walls are caving in -
Please tell me I'm not alone, cause I'm tired of sleeping in.
-"Tomorrow" by Homegrown

I don't think I'll be writing about the typical day-to-day stuff that used to fill my entries - practically all value of this blog was lost when I did that. Thus, I will make no attempt whatsoever to tend to this blog with accordance to any routine intervals. If I feel inspired, I'll add a few (or a plentitude of) lines. I have no inclination to keep a record of casual happenings - only moments characterized by notable emotion and/or enlightenment. In effect, it seems as though I'm telling myself to start again (with a brand new name) and fewer restrictions instigated by insecurity or whatever. It's pretty much a resurgence of the original intention - to write for my own sake.

Again, thank you to Frank for being himself.

LIGHT.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 2:32 AM

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