Saturday, March 22, 2003 :::

Chris, Laura, Mayanne and I went to a cemetary at about 12 AM last night. None of us had ever been to this cemetary before. Laura and Mayanne had seen this cemetary in passing while driving to and from some place, but when we left to find it, neither of them could remember exactly where it was. Actually, while we were searching for it, we mistook a junkyard for the cemetary - Micanopy is a small, poor town, and in the middle of the night, it's nearly pitch black in some parts. After encountering the junkyard, Mayanne admitted that she might have mistaken that same junkyard for the cemetary all this time - that it was possible that there was no cemetary at all. After driving for what seemed like 30 minutes, Laura and Mayanne decided that if there truly was a cemetary, we must have passed it, so we turned back. While driving alongside dark woods and sidestreets, I shined my flashlight out through the passenger-side window onto the darkened formations passing by, hoping but not expecting. I swear to you - when the light happened upon that gravesite, it was as if the cemetary had appeared out of thin air... - for a moment, I honestly felt like we were in a movie.

This cemetary was absolutely perfect for moonlight viewing. The stones were all unique, as the majority of the bodies had been buried in the 1800s/early 1900s. If Laura and Chris hadn't been so scared by the whole scene, I don't think I would have taken on such a cool, calm head - I was inadvertently forced to assume a leader role, and if someone else had taken it before me, it is very likely that I would have been frightened for the entire duration of our stay. I cannot convey to you the feelings that struck me - a completely unfamiliar town, nevermind the tiny area that the cemetary consumed; pitch black, except for moonlight and one flashlight; complete silence, save for the wind through the trees and the occasional cracking of leaves beneath our feet; and the stones. These stones... - the affect when first illuminated by the flashlight was staggering. The most prominent memory from the entire experience was stumbling upon a stone slightly bigger than a brick, which simply read, in all caps, "FATHER." My stomach seized up immediately, and just as Mayanne predicted the probable presence of a MOTHER stone, we found it a few feet from the other. All of the stones were just so personal...so much more real than the ones found in modern cemetaries. Uniformity was absent here - real care had been taken in the creation and implementation of all of these markers. The whole experience was intriguing, unsettling...I'm one-hundred-percent glad that we went out there. I could write forever about this experience, but I'd much rather talk about it, so if anyone's interested in hearing more, let me know. The aftermath is especially interesting.

I'm currently on a kick where surprise and lack of information are of the highest value. Spontaneity, uncertainty, and the belief that literally anything is possible are the ideals of my life at the moment. I've only been on this kick for a few hours, and already, I'm practically terrified. Somehow, I've convinced myself that these ideals are practical and attainable, and thus, i've begun to adopt them...primarily the mindset that ANYTHING is possible...and I'm freakin' out. It's as if I've opened up new doors...erased boundaries...it's all very overwhelming. I'm on edge...as if I don't know anything and am suddenly now vulnerable to new threats...but this fright is taking place simply because it is 5 in the morning, everyone is asleep, I visited a cemetary earlier, and it's dead silent in this apartment. When combined with a burgeoning mindset that anything is possible, these ingredients make for near sheer terror. I'm really, really scared right now...and don't know if I'll be able to fall asleep. Maybe I'll be able to hope for the 180 that the morning will bring - believing that anything is possible obviously opens doors for new threats, but doors for new joys and excitement must open as well, and would be better illuminated in the daylight.

If this all seems crazy...i dunno, maybe it is? But I'm enjoying this new mental freedom, even if it's scaring the crap out of me. At the very least, this will prove to have been a profoundly interesting exercise in the capabilities of the imagination, but maybe, just maybe I'll retain a piece of this mindset indefinitely. For the moment, I truly believe that ANYTHING is possible, and that's amazing in itself.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 4:56 AM

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