Friday, October 31, 2003 :::

2 stars for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I'm feeling generous.

"Anon" should let me know who he/she is.

O-town, here I come...and believe you me, I need you right now.

"I guess it's too bad that everything we have is taken away." - Adam Russell (not profound or original, I know, but it just left the speakers, went into my head, and at that precise moment, fit quite nicely)

"WTF, mate?" "Fire Z Missiles!"

"I'd take it back today, but it's out of my hands." - Scott Anderson (even more appropriate. alright, i'm done)

Bring on the O-town.

Happy Halloween. Scare your dad.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 4:02 AM

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Thursday, October 30, 2003 :::

Fuck all that bullshit...falling into that hole was simply lazy of me. No reason for depression whatsoever.

Had a great weekend with my friends and family... - awesome to see everyone again - saw a little more of a few people than I would have preferred... - ah, who am I kidding. Incest is the best, and I don't discriminate against the brown ones. Even a couple of the ladies showed some skin, which is always nice, and always strongly encouraged. My favorite moment of the night: "Matrix...matrix..."

Twas nice to catch up with Melo...it always takes a little while for us to break the ice that seems to form between us over time...but once that's accomplished, it's smooth sailing and lotsa laughter. Great minds and noodle salad.

If any of you kids are considering visiting the so-called "corn maze," STOP. Terrible waste of money, which could be better spent on seeing The Texas Chainsaw Massacre...which I've still not seen. Anyone interested in accompanying me to the theatre? Fortunately, the visit to the crap maze yielded some highly entertaining video, courtesy of Francis and one lost, starstruck grasshopper. "His mission continues..."

Halloween Horror Nights was enjoyable the second time around, though the vibe seemed tense at times. Seeing Alicia again rocked, and it's always good times with Heather and Erin. Watching Will get the shit scared out of him never gets old, and hearing him scream like a little girl...well...it's invigorating, to say the least. Frank, you know what I'm talking about. I recommend the "D_I_E IN" and the "Funhouse" for a few scares and "Psycho Scareapy" for God-awful smells. That was some sick shit...literally.

Because I can't get enough of my o-town posse, I'll be back down this weekend for more Halloween festivities, AND, Sunday night, I'll be going to see ANBERLIN in concert! Cannot wait... - I'm going to rock my cousin-loving ASS off. What a great band...

Congrats to Franklin on finishing his time at Full Sail - with a 90% average, no less. That's my dawg... - can't wait to see your name in the liner notes of some of my future-favorite records.

I LOVE SEVENDUST.

The more time I spend at school, the more I feel that I shouldn't be here...that I should be dedicating my time to becoming more proficient on guitar...on the drums...with my voice. There's no feeling like writing a song, performing it on the stage, and being proud of the end result. Nothing like it...especially when you can share that feeling with your friends. I miss it so badly...but keep telling myself that there's plenty of time, and in time, I'll return to it and give it my all. Seriously, if I graduate with a degree in Film and Media Studies and go on to get a job or two that are totally unrelated to my schooling, just so that I'm able to pay the bills while I work on music, I'll be a happy camper. I realize that the biz is extremely corrupt, and I may not be business-savvy enough to immediately know whether or not I'm being taken advantage of by whichever label desides to sign us...but...there's a part of me that longs to realize the dream so badly that I'm willing to take the chance, and then some. How amazing would it be, to tour the world and play music for a living? I can't fathom it. Yeah, there'd be a whole bunch of shit to go along with it that I'd rather not have to mess with, but fuck the bitches that complain about that. Nothing comes easy, and I'm willing to work for it. So...why am I at school right now? Because I've come too far with it to simply up and abandon it. All of the pieces will come together, in time. No doubt.

Speaking of school...dropped two classes, so I'm down to 7 credit hours this semester. Am I a loser or what? (If you answered "what," I love you) My poor sleeping habits got way out of hand, to the detriment of my coursework and attendence. No worries, though...what's done is done, and I have the utmost confidence that I'll not repeat the same mistakes next semester - at least not to the same deplorable degree. I feel horrible to have wasted the money on those classes...very ashamed...and there's no way that I'll do that to my parents ever again. Looks like I'll be taking classes over the summer - otherwise, I'll be stuck here forever. Hopefully, that won't interfere with plans for the Island...I heart that place and miss it terribly.

MATRIX IN LESS THAN A WEEK! The saga will end...cannot wait to see the showdown in Zion.

I'll try to update this thing more often - at least once a week, even if I'm only able to muster up utter and complete nonsense. Love you all like a fat kid loves cake...Ci vediamo.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 2:11 AM

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Friday, October 17, 2003 :::

"...so why does it feel...like the sun has just burned out?...and why does it feel...everyone's waiting for us...to crumble and just...break...down"

from the depths of depression, i finally break the silence we've all grown accustomed to when visiting this website. i say "depression" because...well...i'm actually depressed. strange, eh? it is to me, anyway, because when i first started feeling this, it was as if i'd stepped off of a cliff that i'd been happily sitting atop of. it was that drastic...i was fully aware of where i'd been and how long i'd been there, and in light of that, i was able to recognize where i had fallen - out of optimisim, into negativism. i'm not commenting on all of this because i want to bitch - rather, it is because i found the stark difference in mood intriguing - it made me realize how long i'd been living day-to-day without depression, and since the change is so poignant, i feel no need to hesitate in stating that i've truly been depressed tonight. similarly, i can look back and recognize that throughout my late-middle school years and most of my high school years, i was definitely depressed. as shitty as it is to be down here, it is exciting to finally be able to acutely recognize the differences in attitudes - the potentialities of "Alan." I'm currently in the shitter, but I know that I'm here, and I know that somehow, i've managed to get myself out of the shit in the past...so it's comforting, knowing that the "light at the end of the tunnel" metaphor is now forever applicable.

my recipe for depression: terrible time management --> staying up too late (we're talking 5 or 6 AM) --> sleeping in too late --> missing classes / missing meals --> terrible mindset / mental health.
*note - the aforementioned events must occur consistently over a lengthy period of time for the undesired consequences to take effect. if this process proves unsuccessful, an unusually unlucky bad day, or a disgustingly slop-ass roommate, can provide the necessary finishing touches.

so...yeah...that's what happened. use your imagination, i guess... - it's not really worth getting into.

it's currently 5:11 AM. where is she when i need her? asleep...45 minutes away, but she might as well be on the other side of the world. she's probably wrong, anyway. always investing my hopes in those that i feel for...those that i want to help instead of the (seemingly) independent ones. what am i saying, anyway - i've really only invested myself in one person, and that was...over 6 years ago.
doe she even like you? my having to ask that question is, in and of itself, disheartening. although...having doubts implies that there is something to be had, so i suppose that i have more than i've had in quite a long time. however,
"...i don't need something that hurts more than nothing..." and i loathe the thought of returning to numbness. i'm extending my arms...but i don't know how long i'll be able to keep them outstretched...holding onto hope...palms weighted by uncertainty.


part of my left arm has literally been numb for 2 weeks now.

comfort = sevendust

i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage.

i've always felt that i am to die young.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 4:50 AM

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