Friday, October 17, 2003 :::

"...so why does it feel...like the sun has just burned out?...and why does it feel...everyone's waiting for us...to crumble and just...break...down"

from the depths of depression, i finally break the silence we've all grown accustomed to when visiting this website. i say "depression" because...well...i'm actually depressed. strange, eh? it is to me, anyway, because when i first started feeling this, it was as if i'd stepped off of a cliff that i'd been happily sitting atop of. it was that drastic...i was fully aware of where i'd been and how long i'd been there, and in light of that, i was able to recognize where i had fallen - out of optimisim, into negativism. i'm not commenting on all of this because i want to bitch - rather, it is because i found the stark difference in mood intriguing - it made me realize how long i'd been living day-to-day without depression, and since the change is so poignant, i feel no need to hesitate in stating that i've truly been depressed tonight. similarly, i can look back and recognize that throughout my late-middle school years and most of my high school years, i was definitely depressed. as shitty as it is to be down here, it is exciting to finally be able to acutely recognize the differences in attitudes - the potentialities of "Alan." I'm currently in the shitter, but I know that I'm here, and I know that somehow, i've managed to get myself out of the shit in the past...so it's comforting, knowing that the "light at the end of the tunnel" metaphor is now forever applicable.

my recipe for depression: terrible time management --> staying up too late (we're talking 5 or 6 AM) --> sleeping in too late --> missing classes / missing meals --> terrible mindset / mental health.
*note - the aforementioned events must occur consistently over a lengthy period of time for the undesired consequences to take effect. if this process proves unsuccessful, an unusually unlucky bad day, or a disgustingly slop-ass roommate, can provide the necessary finishing touches.

so...yeah...that's what happened. use your imagination, i guess... - it's not really worth getting into.

it's currently 5:11 AM. where is she when i need her? asleep...45 minutes away, but she might as well be on the other side of the world. she's probably wrong, anyway. always investing my hopes in those that i feel for...those that i want to help instead of the (seemingly) independent ones. what am i saying, anyway - i've really only invested myself in one person, and that was...over 6 years ago.
doe she even like you? my having to ask that question is, in and of itself, disheartening. although...having doubts implies that there is something to be had, so i suppose that i have more than i've had in quite a long time. however,
"...i don't need something that hurts more than nothing..." and i loathe the thought of returning to numbness. i'm extending my arms...but i don't know how long i'll be able to keep them outstretched...holding onto hope...palms weighted by uncertainty.


part of my left arm has literally been numb for 2 weeks now.

comfort = sevendust

i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage.

i've always felt that i am to die young.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 4:50 AM

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