Tuesday, April 30, 2002 :::

things have been going really well lately...-it's absolutely amazing what a little time outside does for one's spirits.

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now that classes are over, i'm ALMOST stress-free. GLORIOUS. all that remains is Thursday's astronomy exam, which i should be studying for right now...

lately, i've just been spending most of my time thinking...mainly about myself...trying to REALLY figure myself out and establish a consistent Alan. more and more, i realize how envious i am of certain people...certain friends of mine who seem more self-confident, more secure. all in all, i wish i was stronger, i guess. less reserved, more vocal...etc. and i hate how cynical i've become...-how it takes so much to impress me...to really get me excited. but...maybe all of this is simply who i am, for better or for worse. i am seeing growth over time, but not nearly at the rate that i'd prefer.
a particularly frightening scenario that i may be presented with in the near future is "fronting" my band, without a guitar. that guitar (or a drum set) has always been there to kinda shield me from the audience...-it gave me something to hold on to. know what i'm saying? anyway, a frontman has to have an exhorbent (sp?) amount of energy and enthusiasm, especially for the type of music that Absent plays. when i think of energy, i think of Will, and the absolute admiration and envy that i hold for his unrestrained (albeit goofy and immature, at times) light (life-force, energy; insert better noun here: __________). i'm pretty sure that that's what has always caused me to look up to him...-that and the fact that he's basically the only older sibling-esque family member that i have.

and i'm starting to lose confidence in my voice.

it's freakin' awesome that most everyone that i've talked to had a fabulous time at prom...while i chilled here with a few friends and watched Original Sin - which, by the way, is a pretty damn good movie. it's kinda hard to make it through the whole thing...but you'll be glad that you did.

i'm contemplating attempting to steal a dvd...-from which store, i don't know. appropriately, it is entitled "Steal this Movie." it's GREAT, and i'm sure that after you check it out, you'll understand why i'd love to own it, but hate to buy it.

all my love and prayers to 2 particular families.

-aj

::: posted by AJBrotz at 5:12 PM

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Tuesday, April 23, 2002 :::

::: posted by AJBrotz at 12:40 AM

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Sunday, April 21, 2002 :::

"You believe in polluting the environment, starving children overseas, letting poor people rot in the streets, and enforcing the death penalty for people who speed. and i believe in feeding the masses, raping the rich, letting murderers roam the streets freely, allowing animals to run for elected office, and destroying capitalism all together in creating a demotivated communist society governed by a chimp named komo."

-Drew, on our political differences.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 11:09 PM

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Thursday, April 18, 2002 :::

Take the What
animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz

::: posted by AJBrotz at 1:45 PM

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Saturday, April 13, 2002 :::

and though it's been said many times, in many ways...my GOD time flies. where oh where does it go.

So...i've been full of creative thoughts lately, but no outlet. no outlet. when i'm struck by inspiration, i'm usually on my way to the bus stop, or some other destination...and it's not like there's really anything that i can do with the thoughts that i have...except talk to someone about them, and Drew is great for that - but i wish someone new would magically appear. maybe i should start thinking my thoughts out loud, and some passerby will catch a few words and string together a sentence, and confront me with inclination to engage in discussion over whatever i had been thinking of at the time. thoughts like...what if, while sleeping, i've died?...and this existence here and now is actually another "lifetime" that seems to agree with my past memories? it's totally plausible...and if it HAS occurred, who knows how many lives i've lived? and then i think about memories, and how they're really the only evidence we have of a past...so then, i think of the possibilities brought up by the movie Dark City, where as people slept, their memories were extracted and replaced by others that were engineered in a laboratory, and their homes/surroundings were completely rearranged to fit their new memories...-it's all quite possible in this "real" world that we're all floating around in right now. Drew relayed another intriguing possibility to me the other day, one that is apparently believed by the creater of the Dilbert comic: It is understood that the universe is expanding...that galaxies are moving further and further apart, extending the boundaries of our universe - that's all considered factual. The creator of Dilbert believes in the possibility that everything is GROWING, including us humans. everything is "growing" at an equal rate, and thus, no one can even realize it. I completely agree that this is a valid theory, but it also brings up another possibility, at least in my head - isn't it plausible that we're all "shrinking" instead?...and the rest of the universe is shrinking at a slightly slower rate, which makes it seem like it's expanding? i think this is just as possible as Dilbert's theory, although his is more pleasing to the mind, because it makes me think that i'm growing, lol, even though i'll never be able to realize it by comparing my height with the heights of others. but back to the "shrinking" theory - if everything is shrinking, then it logically follows that we might be miniscule, u know? like ants...and like ants, the relative size of our peers convinces us that we are of decent size...-our whole universe might still be the tiny point in space that we thought it was before the supposed big bang. okay...i'm starting to confuse even myself with these last tidbits here...but i got most of what i wanted out into the blog. craziness. but wait, there's also the question of what exists outside of our universe, since the universe is understood to be all that there is, PERIOD. so...we're supposed to believe that nothing exists outside of our universe...but then, what is our universe expanding into, if we're to believe the popular theory that our universe IS expanding? apparently, there's a book that attempts to answer, or at least, investigate, some of these questions...i think it is entitled NOTHING, by Hydegar, or something. I can't seem to find it...so maybe i got bad information. i think it's all quite fascinating, though...and i pray that everything remains a mystery, because EVERYTHING is a mystery, really. Everything is built upon theory. Everything. whether it is science, or religion, or whatever - none of it is concrete. It's all a matter of what we as individuals choose to believe in.

i was expecting a "good" friend today...or at the very least, a phone call...but nothing. i guess the best, and only, thing that i can really do about it is laugh, and leave it behind me as trivial...-i truly doubt that an attempt at relaying my feelings on it all to this person would make a difference. but i guess i've just done all of that, haven't i...

and i'm left thinking that my lack of inspiration to write over the past however many days has truly been a result of my lack of...well...depression. i hate to say that, cuz it's so cliche...and i would love to believe that it's just as easy to string together sentences of meaning and feeling when things are swell and peachy...but...i just don't see that. i hate that. maybe i'll get to where that's possible? -but i fear that that will require NOT simply acceptance, but ignorance, as well...and i don't want anymore ignorance than i already have. man, all of this would be reduced soooo heavily if i was living in the 80s! such a great decade...

the lead voice in the theme song from the old cartoon "Jem" is really sexy. drew and i really dig it, to the 87590473rd power. a thousand thank you's to Megs for reminding me of that show :)

Next weekend should be absolutely wonderful...all of my best friends together, relaxing, partying...-will there be more lazer tag around the apartment complex? -more filling condoms with water until they burst? we'll have to see, but one thing is for sure: we'll have plenty of Grover!

Andrew A. (i'm suddenly hesitant to list last names, since anyone in the world can read this) mentioned to me that he's going to UCF - for MUSIC TECHNOLOGY. This is the subject that i've always been interested in...everyone who knows me knows that my real passion is music, and my dream is to make a career out of it...and the microchip holds all the opportunities for the future, so it follows that Music Technology is an appropriate solution to my question of future occupation. HOWEVER, I'm at UF...and i really do like it here...and i'd miss Drew a WHOLE HELL OF A LOT. We really have become brothers...-it's unspeakably hard to imagine college without him right now. but practically all of my other friends are down near UCF...not to mention my family...and it's like, i'm still searching for something to ignite inspiration here, while i know that music would more than suffice...so...i'm still thinking about it all. i could minor in English and major in Music Technology, perhaps...and then move out to California? God, that's such an excitingterrifyingintimidatingpromising concept - moving across the entire United States to pursue a dream. but i could do it...i know i could. i'd just love to bring someone along with me...someone to share in all of the uncertainty...the adventure :) I smile just thinking about it...

Depeche Mode really has some great songs...-another shining star spawned from the 80s! I swear, Music, Television, Lunchboxes, Movies, Toys...freakin' everything was better in the 80s. www.yesterdayland.com, baby. do it.

Birthday shout-outs:
Steph - i believe you! you must have broken up with Drew! he could never be good enough for you!
Drew - i believe you! you must have broken up with Steph! She could never be good enough for you!
Frank - i believe you! you must have broken up with Will! He could never be good enough for you!
Will - i believe you! you must hav- wait. it's not your birthday.

I hope everyone has been checking out 30 Seconds to Mars...but for a lighter, more carefree, upbeat shade of rock, check out Sense Field. Excellent entree for ears our age...

Cinematic recommendations:
Mulholland Drive (!!!)
Steal this Movie
Parenthood
Joe Dirt

I feel that i could write endlessly...but Bubba and his burgers are beckoning me. mmmmmmm...cow...

::: posted by AJBrotz at 7:54 PM

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Thursday, April 04, 2002 :::

woweewowowow. 30 SECONDS TO MARS.
GREAT band. Jared Leto (yes, it's the same Jared Leto) can really rip on vocals. I know I've said this sort of thing several times before about other bands, but this time I have no doubt or half-heartedness: 30S2M is extremely original, and beautifully executed. I first heard them literally years ago off of an Immortal Records sampler, and really dug what I was hearing...but the new tracks that have surfaced work better to distinguish their sound. space rock to the max, with great evocation of emotion. glistening atmospherical textures from the guitars and programming make for soundwaves that are soothing and rockin' at the same time...and Leto's wonderful voice / activation of words that appeal to the ear are...perfect. this is a great band - each element works well with the others to create one sonic environment that completely consumes the listener. so...do yourself a favor and try to download some tracks from 30 Seconds to Mars - go to www.shoutweb.com and click on "Hear Capricorn" in the upper-right corner of the page to listen to the first track off the cd. others can be found on Audio Galaxy. The full-length debut will be released on June 18th - 2 days after my birthday! enjoy...and let me know your thoughts after you listen.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 2:38 PM

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