Wednesday, October 31, 2001 :::

"Even when people sleep together, they're all alone." - Jean Luc Goddard's Breathless

wishing that a few more comments could have been made with regard to my last entry...

sex drive = ungood, and yet, "to deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human"

should i even attempt to defy nature? i seriously want to...but i am afraid that it may be doomed from the start...ah, the hell with it. i am breakin' out the big guns and going for it.

Sociology is really opening my eyes as to who i am, and how i have become. my parents are responsible for SO MUCH of my characteristic make-up...and although i am infinitely grateful for the vast majority of it all, there are definitely some traits that were passed on that i wish were not. drew, i am becoming less and less conservative by the day.

if one truly believes that everything happens for a reason, then there is no room for regret.
thoughts?

frank and i finally reached calm waters...and i came to terms with myself on certain personal habits and blindsided practices which i prefer to make excuses for rather than confront and change (but it is all so subconscious...to the point where i actually need people to bring things to my attention in order for me to realize them...so yes, this is something of a cry for help).

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! "Like, BOO, man..."

Rumors Lounge is no longer hosting concerts; Absent will have to find a new "haven." perhaps somewhere...*GASP*...downtown?

juan is coming up tomorrow...can't WAIT for that. that kid is special. one of my favorites.

is there a noun for being genuine? something like...genuinity...or...bah, i do not know. it just seems that there should be one. something better than "authenticity," although i have resorted to that word several times. PLEASE COMMENT...this dilemma is driving me insane. *the irritants of an "english major"*

do something scary today. freak out your roommate. frighten yourself with the assistance of a mirror. go watch a horror flick-but make sure it is a decent one...something genuinely disturbing (some suggestions: the Exorcist, Event Horizon, Requiem for a Dream, Stir of Echoes). tp a house. trick or treat if you want to; age is purely physical. go Halloween caroling. jump off of a roof into a pool. whatever you decide to do...de-stagnatize your blood.

"One, two, Freddy's coming for you...three, four, better lock your door...five, six, grab your crucifix...seven, eight, better stay up late..."

happy haunting...

::: posted by AJBrotz at 10:15 AM

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Monday, October 29, 2001 :::

Incubus: 11 AM
Incubus: Nice to Know You

Dammit. I am so weak, it is not funny.
Lust is the devil.
I really wish that I did not have a sex drive. Seriously. It would make my life much easier...much less guilt-ridden...and much more enjoyable in honesty and purity. It is like what one wise comedian said on television once: if I did not have a sex drive, I could be myself.

I am getting back into the swing of correct grammar usage. No contractions (I'm, isn't, we're, etc.), capitalization where appropriate, and whatever else comes into play during typing sessions.

Once again, I am running on 1.5 hours of sleep (at best). This is just sick.

The Gator game this past weekend (vs Georgia) was hellafun...it was great to spend time with my family in an unfamiliar setting. The best part of it all may have been getting reacquainted with Scott, the first real friend I ever had in Oviedo. Him and I grew up together in my neighborhood back home, but since he attended a different high school (Oviedo, COUGH COUGH), we kinda' lost touch. thus, it was awesome reminiscing on the way to and back from Jacksonville. Memories are the ultimate; especially when you can share them with someone, and have long forgotten ones resurface during conversation. The CRAZIEST part of the whole weekend, though, was where we sat during the game. Our seats were located in the lower upper bowl, I believe, but we were as low as it goes; there was no one in front of us-just a short glass (plexiglass?) boundary with a metal bar to prevent any falling over the edge. Although our view of the field was superb, I felt extremely uneasy for the first few hours. I have always feared heights, and I believe that I always will; it just doesn't seem like something I would ever be able to defeat. This setup, our seats and our view, was the perfect fuel for my fear; a golden-gate-esque bridge in the distance to the left, a harbor of sorts outside the stadium to my right, and SKY. GD SKY. I swear...I am more comforted by looking down than I am by looking up. But the bridge was the worst...seeing those tiny cars drive so far upward, high above the water...*shiver* Man. But the strangest part of it all, and I am fairly sure that this is accurate, was my internal desire to quickly stand up and hurl myself over the edge of the plexiglass boundary. NOW, what the hell does THAT mean? It was completely FEELING, not thought...but the more I thought about it, I realized that it TRULY was an instinctive inclination to jump...to fall. I was completely intrigued and utterly terrified when I realized this at the stadium, and the more I pondered this phenomenon, the stronger it got...so I found another way to occupy my mind; I got some food, and concentrated very closely on the game. Is this some kind of weird foresight? A sign? There have always been two things that I believe to be explainable only by a previous life, or by some kind of premonition of fate: the terrifying, deafening silence in a certain series of recurring dreams I have had (there is more to them...but it is so fucking difficult and trying to explain), and any real-life experience that creates a direct connection with the feelings associated with those dreams. The terror that I felt this past Saturday rivaled that which I have receieved in those dreams. Maybe it is just some weird chemical-oriented thing in my brain, or maybe it is all a result of some forgotten, traumatic childhood experience; I am sure that I will never know. It is, however, important enough to note and at least attempt to understand to some degree, due to its intensity and absolute horror.

Or maybe the whole thing occurred to get me into the Halloween spirit.

I am still very curious as to who "An Admirer" is. This person's post is one of the main reasons that I continue to post as frequently as I do. BAH...it is so freakin' frustrating when people leave their identity a mystery.

Extreme happiness tainted by worry accompanies the thought of Brian's recently reignited hope for love. He and a certain someone in New York have been keeping in touch over the internet for about five years now...and they recently broke new communicational ground with webcam chatting (lol, what IS this world coming to?)...ANYWAY, she is extremely attractive, and a little younger than Brian, and for some reason, it seems to me that there could be something substantial between the two of them. I could be completely wrong here, but it just feels like there may very well be a strong connection between them. So, not thinking clearly, I gave Brian a brief synopsis of my thoughts, and now, he, too, has developed a similar sense of hope. As he put it in a post on the Absent guestbook, he believes that he "may have found the one to last a lifetime." Further, Brian and his family are visiting New Jersey and New York this Christmas...coincidence? Could very well be...but for Brian's sake, I hope not. If this all falls through, I am going to feel horrible, and fairly guilty...but everything happens for a reason, so even if it does not work out, I am confident that the whole occurence will have set something else in motion with regard to Brian's inevitable lovelife.

While on this subject, the four people that I most want to acquire rockin' female companionship are Drew, Brian, Brock, and Raudebaugh. Drew definitely has his shit together and is ready for a serious, intimate relationship. I believe that the last three have a bit more self discovery to do yet...but I also believe that one is never truly finished discovering his self. Perhaps the right girl would help? I know that I, myself, would not mind this...

I may be getting sick again...which is horrid, since Absent has a show Wednesday night. I AM GETTING BACK ON TRACK this week; after the final performance of Absent's original lineup.

The weather has gotten far too cold for my taste. I prefer cool, summer wind, not frigid-ass, cut-through-your-skin wind.

-nostalgia

::: posted by AJBrotz at 11:51 AM

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Friday, October 26, 2001 :::

okay...in reference to Blue Velvet...i am still not sure how i associated it with James Dean or Nicholas Ray. I know that it came up in class in some way or another...we have been focusing on Ray and Dean, lately...and i have probably been averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night...so...something got mixed up somewhere. my apologies for the inaccuracies.

went "clubbing" for the first time last night, although we only went to one club...which was actually just a piano bar, called Alligator Rocks. it was entertaining...2 fat guys sitting across from each other on their own pianos, covering classic songs of old along with some new stuff. basically, it's a good place to get buzzed/drunk and sing along. however, since crystal and i are under age and had no connections, we did not have an amazing time. we did sing along to quite a few songs...but...i think we both felt a bit out of place, being sober and all...and i know that crystal was wanting to go somewhere where dancing was the primary activity, so...next time, we'll have things prearranged. all in all, though, it was a fairly decent first experience of "the scene." there are some aspects of it all that i'd like to go into depth on...but i am running on maybe...1.5 hours of sleep, and my eyes are sticky, so i will get that up here next time.

"i'll get that up here next time." this reminds me of the Italian Neorealist article that i said i would post samples from, but completely forgot about. i promise to do this soon.

i think we will be seeing a pretty significant decline in the amount of posts i put in here. the computer has always been my main distraction from schoolwork...but its impact has never been as drastic as it has during this first semester at college. i am getting ridiculously bad grades, all due to my procrastination and laziness. it is completely unacceptable...i KNOW that i am cutting myself short...i KNOW that i am better than this...and i KNOW that if i wind up with less than a 3.0 this semester, i will lose my scholarship, and will thereby lose my neck. SO. The internet is the devil, and i am going to place a severe limit on this satanic ritual.

u know...i think i will just go ahead and post a few portions of that Italian Neorealism essay right now. It is entitled "A Thesis on Neo-Realism," and was written between 1952 and 1953 by Cesare Zavattini. ENJOY:

"There is no doubt that our first, and most superficial, reaction to daily existence is boredom. Reality seems deprived of all interest as long as we cannot succeed in surmounting and overcoming our moral and intellectual sloth. It is, therefore, not surprising that the cinema has always felt the "natural" and practically inevitable necessity of inserting a story into reality in order to make it thrilling and spectacular. It is evident that in this manner one could spontaneously excape from reality; it is as if nothing could be done to prevent the interference of the imagination."

"...imagination, in its own manner of functioning, merely superimposes death schemes onto living events and situations."

"The task of the artist-the neo-realist artist at least-does not consist in bringing the audience to tears and indignation by means of transference, but, on the contrary, it consists in bringing them to reflect (and then, if you will, to stir up emotions and indignation) upon what they are doing and upon what others are doing; that is, to think about reality precisely as it is."

"Heroes create inferiority complexes throughout an audience. The time has come to tell each member of the audience that he is the true protagonist of life. The result would be a constant emphasis on the responsability and dignity of every human being. This is exactly the ambition of neo-realism: to strengthen everyone, and to give everyone the proper awareness of a human being."

I would like to post more (and perhaps i will at a later date), but i feel that one would have to read the entire essay to understand the other main fragments that excite/intrigue me. One other significant point made by Zavattini that i will take time to summarize is the reasoning for the lack of Italian involvement in "the war;" i'm not sure WHICH war this is, as i am absolutely horrible with history (drew, you'll have to help me out here), but it must be one of the World Wars. MAN, i am an idiot. anyway, Zavattini goes on to explain how "war always violates those fundamental human needs and values which are so dear to us." If anyone is interested, i am sure that i could get you a copy of the essay in its entirety. all in all...ITALIANS ROCK.

-help

::: posted by AJBrotz at 9:18 AM

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Thursday, October 25, 2001 :::

stinging eyes

in all seriousness, i am very upset and disturbed by the deletion of the comments that used to illustrate my blog with the colors of all my friends. it was all actually quite important to me...and i just can't fathom someone randomly choosing blogs to delete comments from. apparently, there was no other way for the "webmaster" to maintain the site...but...i dunno. that just can't be. there must have been another way. it just isn't right. it's like tearing pages out of a diary. i suppose it's all fine, though...no point in regretting that which cannot be helped or salvaged. i'll start anew...we'll start anew.

man. i am REALLY tired. i hate beginning these things with such intent and ending so quickly with "i'm tired." i just hadn't posted in quite a while; anything of substance, anyway...so i wanted to get SOMETHING up here.

purchased "Morning View," the latest release from Incubus, today...i'm diggin' it. pretty mellow stuff goin' on here...definitely check it out.

SEVENDUST is still amazing me. i think i've pretty much downloaded the entire album; there's no way to check, since the official release date isn't until November 13th (which seems far away, but really isn't...GOD time flies.)

Absent is really exciting me lately...it feels like a brand new band. i feel much less repressed...like, my creativity no longer has the restriction it had when Frank was a strong contributor to the songwriting. That definitely sounds harsh...but what can i say? it's the truth. i always held back, in...fear (?) of increasing the intensity of the frown Frank directed towards my melodic tendencies. an ironic tinge to all of this is that between yesterday and today, i've basically finished what i think is probably the heaviest song i've ever written on my own. very excited about that. also, brock has some awesome stuff cookin' in his musical kitchen back in o-town...brian has been utilizing the 'net to send me samples of rockin' beats he's been putting together...and raudebaugh...well, raudebaugh is goin' thru some trying times right now, and i definitely sympathize. you'll get through it, bro...what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. i'm sure it'll inspire you to write some sweet lyrics, too, so if you become inspired, let the words fly!

all in all, i'm extremely pleased with how we've all come together as a band in light of the recent unpredicted occurences. it seems that frank has a fairly decent grasp on which direction he wants to go musically, as well...so that's awesome.

crystal's visiting later today, and her and i are going clubbing! RRRROOOOOOCCCCKKKKK.

everyone, if you haven't already, go watch "Rebel Without a Cause." Bask in the glory of James Dean's incredible persona...man, i'm completely intrigued...and the chick in the movie is pretty damn hot, too. but seriously...James Dean was one special guy. i'm gonna' have to check out some of the other films he was featured in, i.e. Blue Velvet. also, a teenage Dennis Hopper plays a role in "Rebel," so watch with prying eyes.

"I'm floating down the river..."

::: posted by AJBrotz at 2:43 AM

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Wednesday, October 24, 2001 :::

WHERE. DID. ALL. OF. MY. COMMENTS. GO.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 6:33 PM

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Monday, October 22, 2001 :::

Frank:

I want to wish you all the best in your future musical endeavours...i know that you'll find a more honest way to express yourself in another band...and i know it'll rock. there's no hostility in the band towards you...and i hope that it's the same from your end of the spectrum...but i can understand if it's not. my main worry in all of this is that these recent happenings might have hindered our friendship, and that, of course, is most important to me. shit, we've been tight for what...5+ years? we've had some awesome times...been in some awesome bands...u kicked a soccer ball full-force into my head...i failed to warn you of the dangers of 2 girls you had previous relations with; i could go on. you've played an important role in my life...and i know that that sounds...whatever...but yeah...love u man. thanx for the memories...hope things are cool.

-alan

::: posted by AJBrotz at 4:42 PM

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TooL. Coldplay. Liquid Tension Experiment 2.

and

M.A.H.B.

thank you so much...immediate mood swing back to sunrise sensation. still aware, but smiling.

melo...grazzi for staying up late and happening upon my blog. annie, as well...

and to Anne for sticking with me through this...INTERESTING night: the rollercoaster rides on.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 1:26 AM

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Sunday, October 21, 2001 :::

too much stress.

Absent, School, Apartment Life, and Intimate Relations have become leeches...sucking away all of my energy, causing me to be irritable, depressed, and overly exhausted. I do not need any lecherous affiliations. However, each of these elements also provides the supreme excitement and satisfaction that is existent in my life. SO, the logical course is to eliminate the infections in each of these drastically important areas of my life. Of course, this is not an easy task when the enemy is embodied by the ally.

If only exorcism could be performed upon the afflicted by an anonymous source.

i am a perfectionist. i know NO other perfectionists. this is a problem.

when i meet a beautiful girl that is a perfectionist, enjoys music, is intelligent, has an optimistic view on life, and can physically share music with me in some manner, I think i will know that i have met my match.

how can i play in a band that does not include a single perfectionist? i do not know...

i cannot see myself playing in a band like Absent for a career. i need EVERY MEMBER OF THE BAND to be participating for the beauty and benefit of the music, NOT THEMSELVES, and THIS CIRCUMSTANCE ALONE should electrify and enthuse the musicians beyond explanation. ignorant stubbornness and foolish pride is absolutely ridiculous and should have no part in the creation/performance of music. i could go on and on here...and i'm sure i will in some future writing, or blog, or whatever. but that's enough for now.

now, do not make the misconception that i think myself to be perfect, in light of all this perfectionistic talk. i realize SEVERAL of my flaws...and believe me, I am my harshest critic. that is the God's honest truth, and it is the reason why i feel cursed. but i deal, and often pride myself on my incessant self criticism. it is constructive; thus, it is justified.

i have been pondering an interesting outlook on suicide that was proposed by a good friend of mine. while i believe it to be strongly flawed, i can understand how she feels it to be justified in 2 of the 3 scenarios she discussed. once again, I DO NOT AGREE WITH SUICIDE; rather, i can relate to the mindset where it would seem like a viable alternative to living. and i have not the first clue why i typed that. i suppose it provides more pieces to the puzzle entitled "ME" that i am trying to put together.

perfectionism. disease...blessing...curse...gift...detrimental...positive...

will i quit Absent sometime in the near future? perhaps. do i want to? no. is it the only solution that i can see? no, but it is the only one that i would be able to enforce on my own.

school. the idea of school supplies me with hope for the future. however, i am afraid that if i pursue my future occupational desires, i will be pursuing them alone. this consequence would be externally and internally enforced, since my area of work would only satisfy me if I had full control of it, and it is unlikely (however hoped for) that i would run into someone that shared the same loves, outlooks, and attitudes as me towards music. right now, the only person i know that comes somewhat close to that ideal is Brock...

and i feel that this entry was a healthy exercise.

-i don't feel like talking...i feel like listening to something of substance. i feel like laying on the beach, and not moving at all, allowing the tide to wash over me with whatever force it sees fit. i feel like going somewhere COMPLETELY unfamiliar for a year, with no familiar contacts. i feel like falling indefinitely. i feel like laying beneath a waterfall; again, without movement.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 10:06 PM

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Friday, October 19, 2001 :::

DAMMIT! EVERY TRACK I'VE DOWNLOADED FROM THE NEW SEVENDUST ALBUM, ANIMOSITY, IS AMAZING! Seriously...this is a big thing for me...i'm not hearing ANY mediocrity here. Every song sounds like it was worked on for at least a month. The Georgia boys have definitely hit their stride. it's freakin' great...MAN. I CANNOT get over this. Could this be as good as it gets? Lajon has one of the best voices out there...Morgan is one of the tightest drummers in the modern rock scene...the new guitar harmonies are perfect...EVERY aspect of the recording sounds clear and beautiful...!!!!!!!! November 13th better get here damn quick.

That's all for now...get to downloading, people. You WON'T be sorry.

-obsessed?

::: posted by AJBrotz at 1:03 AM

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Thursday, October 18, 2001 :::

music soothes even the savage beast

Red Hot Chili Peppers: Californication, Porcelain
Deftones: Mascara, Be Quiet and Drive


highlight of the day: went rollerblading in absolutely beautiful weather. I plan to make this a regular occurence...but we all know that i'm not the most steadfast (sp?) person when it comes to keeping schedules. on my way back home, i stopped and observed some cows for a while, almost just to do it. i swear, lately, i'm starved for true inspiration, and i know that it's everywhere...i'm just tired of the monotony of routine and daily surroundings. SO, i spent some time watching the cows in the "University of Florida Beef Teaching Unit" along 23rd Street. honestly, i could have done it for an infinite amount of time, if it hadn't been for the damned traffic. TOO MANY CARS HERE. This also hindered my enjoyment of the actual rollerblading, as skating alongside loud, fast-moving weapons with wheels is not exactly my cup of tea. anyway...absorbing the natural, untainted behavior of the animals really brought me back down to earth...and i immediately wished that i could share this with someone that i could KNOW would appreciate it; but then, i thought it over again, and decided that i'm not quite independent enough lately to experience this sort of thing with someone without doubting their enjoying it at the same level as me; even if they were. does this make sense? to me, yes. also relevant is that some things are truly meant to be taken in alone...and i'm certain that this was one such occasion. sometimes, i just wish there was a female replica of me, someone that would know what i'd think before i thought, how i'd respond before she asked anything, which cow was my favorite, etc. someone that would think that this post, although unordinary and somewhat "silly", was beautiful as well. and as i type this, i dig the whole. it's cool, though, cuz i'm only looking down it. i haven't slipped in yet, despite the warm, familiar blanket of darkness and safety waiting anxiously at the bottom and along the walls. i think i'll walk the circumference, and stray a bit, in hopes of finding someone/some inspiration to help me fill it up again.

Roberson is such a special kid...errr, my bad: ADULT. seriously, though, i couldn't have asked for a better "surprise" roommate. he has consented to giving Dum and me latin dancing lessons; so far, i really think it's gonna' pay off, and who knows? maybe there's hope for Dum after all! that'd be great if we could all go out to a club and just tear the floor up. Lord knows that that's a long ways away, if it's even possible, but it's an exciting thought. we'd be three sexy swingers.

speakin' of clubs, we'll be hitting up Gator Rocks tonight, which is basically the most happening club in town. it's a piano bar, but EVERYONE goes on Thursday nights, so needless to say, i'm quite psyched. i just hope that i don't wind up chillin' at a table, self-confined to observation and contemplation. i'd like to dance...and i'm thinking that everyone there will be fairly wasted, so i probably won't even look that bad. hell, maybe i'll do some cool shit that i didn't know i could pull off. bah...we'll see.

Violet: 311, Drew, NOW, the outside world, night/stars, the unknown, myself

Red: dancing, Frank, alumni bbq, "love"

Blue: Lauren, M&Ms, Windows XP, my acoustic guitar, sleep

Yellow: Anne, my monkey lamp, Will

Green: Melo, Absent, Roberson's family

I shouldn't have done that whole procedure this time through; I'm too tired to accurately associate.

_____________________________________________________________
press on, dull intrigue
"monotony" means nothing to you, yet, you are one and the same
pinch my eyes
i won't flinch
unfortunate reason being reality, unchanging, known
Get Unfamiliar.
_____________________________________________________________

-capable?

::: posted by AJBrotz at 2:41 AM

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Wednesday, October 17, 2001 :::

songs/albums include anything and everything from 311

damn, what a rockin' concert. an upcoming new band, called "onesidezero," opened up for 311...and were quite impressive. reminded me of Absent a lot, with moody melodies, 3 guitars (!!!)...only they were a good bit tighter than us (which frustrates me). anyway, the singer was awesome...great voice, both singing and screaming...and i know that that sounds like this band is just nu-metal, or whatever, but...they really aren't. very good stuff. my only gripes, really, were the lack of structural diversity in the songs; many sounded very similar. however, this made the unique ones stand out even more. the band is definitely slower, more moody than most new "metal" bands...blah, i HATE describing bands. just LISTEN to them. go on Morpheus and download some shiznit. 2 rad tracks to check out are "Holding Cell" and "Instead Laugh." the website is www.onesidezero.com. lemmie know what you think.

speaking of websites, CHECK OUT THE NEW LOOK OF WWW.ABSENT1.COM !!! Many props and much respect to my good friend john radford. nice work, indeed.

311 was extremely entertaining...played all the hits, and several tracks from their newest release, "From Chaos." GREAT STUFF. Drew and I were rockin' out...bobbin' our heads, jumping, falling off the benches...well, fine, that was only me, but anyway, moving on...the best thing about it all was that i DANCED to this stuff. usually, my physical reactions to the shows i experience consist of head-banging, jumping, etc...and that was all here, too...but i was actually dancing during this one; or trying to, anyway. i just let it all go, didn't care how ridiculous i looked...and shaked my thang. jookin' this way and that...it was great. i think i'll incorporate some of it into my on-stage antics with Absent. back to the show, though...the boys were extremely tight; the solos (drums first, bass later) were AWESOME...the light show was crazy...the "o-dome" filled with bubbles during one song...and confetti was shot into the air during "Beautiful Disaster." Which brings me to the encore. after playing their "last song," which was "Freak Out," they took a break for a little while, and we all screamed for more. Drew and I were sorely disappointed that they didn't perform "Beautiful Disaster," but knew that it HAD to be coming with the encore. Nick and S.A. came back out, and played "I'll Be Here A While" acoustic. it was absolutely wonderful...i love that song. they followed that up with full-band performances of "Beautiful Disaster" (hell yeah, bitch...my inspiration for playing dual guitar solos in Absent) and "Fuck the Bullshit" (!!!). awesome awesome awesome. the whole performance turned out to be much more than i could have hoped for. everyone in o-town: 311 will be performing Thursday night at UCF; if you don't already have tickets, GET THEM, and enjoy a tight, fun-filled show. ROCK.

so, i just downloaded some stuff from OneSideZero...and...unfortunately...i've realized that they were a good bit better live than they are on the recording. However, it's still good stuff...and i still recommend downloading the tracks that i previously mentioned. they do NOT sound like Absent, though. maybe it was just a certain song that i heard them perform live...i dunno. anyway...rock on, and respond afterwards.

"If you have to release bad news to the public, it will help if you are not ugly." -Mitch Hedberg

i'm really sleepy, and have to get up in less than 5 hours...so i think i'll call it a night. or morning. whatever.

but first...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROBERSON!!! THE BIG 18!!! WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD!!! Everyone, respond and let Rob know that you care :)

chizow...

-exhausted

::: posted by AJBrotz at 1:28 AM

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Tuesday, October 16, 2001 :::

discos compactos
P.O.D.: Satellite

melodies
Sevendust: Crucified
P.O.D.: Anything Right
Further Seems Forever: New Desert Life
Absent: 51%

weeeeeeeeeeeee, NEW SEVENDUST ROCKS. man...everyone has probably heard "Praise" by now on the radio, but i found "Crucified" on Morpheus...and it's freakin' kick-ass. probably one of the best tunes i've ever heard from the Georgia boys, aside from "Fall;" if you haven't heard "Fall," DOWNLOAD IT. it's from the Scream 3 soundtrack. ROCK.

"51%" is the new one that Brock, John, Brian, WIll, and I put together with the acoustic jam session saturday night. i worked on the chorus for quite a while earlier today with my four-track...and i think it's gonna rock really hard. i'm loving the riffs and harmonies in it...some of my favorite stuff yet. we should be playin' it on Halloween at Rumors Lounge, so...EVERYONE COME OUT FOR NEW ABSENT!

In other news...P.O.D. is still kickin' my ass.

so i've decided to give up online conversation; at least, 85% of it. emphasis will be placed on in-person and telephone conversation. too much time invested in online "interaction" is NOT a good thing; certain elements of personality are brought out in extremely comfortable atmosphere...and these elements SHOULD be included in telephone conversations and actual face-to-face discussion. the internet provides an faceless environment void of superficial fears; these fears should be confronted, not avoided. all of it just widens the gap in personal communication. so i'm ridding myself of this evil. i'm joinin' the club, melo.

a thousand "thank you's" to RC for being there for me, and MAD LOVE AND APPRECIATION TO DREW for sticking with me thru all of last night's "festivities." you're the man...i owe you big time.

Mitch Hedberg is the funniest man alive. well...one of them. he "all encompassingly" reminds me of Brock, who is probably one of the funniest kids i know. "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." "I'm against picketing, but i don't know how to show it." "If your friend was a tight-rope walker and he fell down while crossing the street, that would be completely unacceptable." funny shit...download, my friends, download. trust me.

i'm going to sleep...TALK to you all soon, and feel free to call me anytime on my cell. you all should know the #. if you don't, just e-mail me. goodnight...

-peaceful?

::: posted by AJBrotz at 1:58 AM

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Sunday, October 14, 2001 :::

I've been meaning to ask this question FOREVER to anyone who might have the answer:

WHAT DOES THE "H" in "JESUS H CHRIST" STAND FOR????????

::: posted by AJBrotz at 8:42 PM

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albums of choice
Further Seems Forever: The Moon is Down
Skunk Anansie: Post Orgasmic Chill
P.O.D.: Satellite

P.O.D. man...great stuff. I'm lovin' it. it fits...all moods. gives me a little *gasp* hope for rap? i dunno. i mean...they just prove that it can be done effectively. the music is AWESOME, though, and lotsa genres are scattered throughout the disk; reggae, rock, nu-metal, rap-metal, hardcore, alternative, instrumental, pop-metal...it's all rockin', all positive, and very polished, yet raw. i swear...this is the MOST IMPORTANT DETERMINING FACTOR OF MUSIC: whether it's raw, polished, or both. both is beautiful. anyone understand what i'm saying here? (this is a plug for a comment from you, folks.) i hope i don't just sound like a floundering fool. ah well...it makes perfect sense to me.

WORD TO MY DAWGS THAT VISITED THIS WEEKEND. Will, Brian, Brock, Raudebaugh, Crystal, Gorang, Hector; you kids rock. it was cool to show Hector and Gorang around campus a little bit...would have been cool to have them stick around a bit longer, but ah well. next time. Having the rest of the aforementioned crew here was AWESOME, though...wish that they could have stayed longer as well, too...but i suppose that good things come best in sporadic (sp?) dosages. things kinda lose their shine after prolonged exposure; familiarity is never as exciting as the mystery and newness of the uncommon/foreign/you know what i'm saying (right?). it's like when you buy a cd and listen to it a few times, and then force yourself to put it away for a while. when you spin it again at a later date, it's very refreshing, with a tinge of the sensation that was with it when you heard it for the first time. conversely, if you listen to it nonstop for an elongated span of time, excitement fades, and the tunes become less special and more like background music. does anyone follow me here?

anyway, we had a blast...we went out to UF's Bat House with a flashlight 3 different times between the hours of 10 PM and 3 AM (at least, i think that was the approximate range) and upon approaching the house, subtley (sp?) taunted its inhabitants with the lights. they'd swoop over our heads and freak the shit out of us...but it was awesome. probably the highlight of the night. also, we kinda aided in a fender bender while walking along the street downtown...but it wasn't our fault! You see, we can't help bein' so damn sexy (Will, Brian, Brock, John, Crystal, and I), so these chix in a car started yelling at us, so we yelled back...and they kinda forgot that cars were in front of them, i guess...so they screeched into the back of one. it was pretty crazy and strangely funny, witnessing it...but i mean, neither of the cars' passengers got out, so i'm sure everything was fine. back at the apartment, 4/5ths of Absent (frank being...well...absent from the group) and Will rocked out some mad phat acoustic jams...finished the composition of a new Absent song (it's BADASS...can't wait to add distortion, fx, drums, and the vocal arrangement.) this one is along the lines of Recurring Eclipse, but slightly heavier, i think. it's rockin' though...awesome melodies. yeeahhhh, booooyyyyy...

oh, one other interesting thing: Crystal and Brian slept together, in my bed. hehehe...i wanna see what controversy this stirs up. forgive me, crystal and brian...at least you'll feel special from the attention :)

man...P.O.D. just makes me bounce... "BOOM!"

Further is soooooo nice. great slow stuff...great lyrics. MUSIC man. Music is so unspeakably important.

Brock is one talented kid. i'd really like to do a lil side project with him...softer stuff...him vocals/guitar, me drums/vocals (?) it would rock. damned distance.

"I'm thinkin' 'bout forever...missin' you...I know you're so much better...you made it through." -great song. "thinking about forever" by P.O.D. how many times can i say it; this CD kicks ASS.

apprently, my father is helping drew right now outside of denny's house back in o-town; drew's car, "WHITE TRASH," has died once again. according to Anne (who i miss like crazy...love you...), the starter is actin' up. in the words of Zamere (sp?) from Office Space "Piece of shit! I swear to God, one day, i kick this thing out the window!" I think he'd be better off with a really fast moped or somethin'. regardless, no vehicle he ever possesses will challenge the superiority of RED AND BLACK INDIAN ATTACK. Bow down, neega...

and if drew starts shit with stupid-ass comments about this ex-girlfriend and that ex-girlfriend and my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's friend; i dunno what i'll do. i'll run away. or i'll shut my door and never open it. or i'll never answer my phone. perhaps it shouldn't bother me...and sometimes it doesn't...but it does make me kinda uncomfortable...i mean, regardless of current circumstances, there are still feelings and memories inside of me that relate to that which he speaks of in jest...yeah, they're basically dormant and gray, but...they're still there. blah...i'm a sucker. but that's factual, and i don't see this part of me changing...so...whatever. let them talk. and i am sick of bein' annoyed, so SUBJECT CHANGE:

*tear falls*- what may very well be my favorite record from Stabbing Westward, "Darkest Days," is kinda scratched up, so sometimes, my cd player has a hard time recognizing it, and won't play it. 'tis horrible.

looking for a laugh, or two, or one million? download some stuff from comedian Mitch Hedberg. the guy is hilarious.

i'm starving...and my film is probably ready at eckerds, so i'm gonna go maintain. until next time...

-stable?

::: posted by AJBrotz at 5:19 PM

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Friday, October 12, 2001 :::

and on goes my first all-nighter. the sad thing is that i wasted the majority of it procrastinating, conversating with people online, eating doritos...blah. it's currently 5 in the morning. i'd be waking up in less than 2 hours, so i don't see the point in sleeping. i'm wishing that i was a coffee drinker...but i have yet to consume a single cup. i always viewed it as a cheap way out; NOW i see its usefulness. i've been snacking on Mini M&Ms, but...they aren't lessening the stickiness of my eyes. or the severity of my headache. and Anne has disappeared. she's an absolute angel for having stuck with me thru most of the night, helping to prepare me for the morning's Sociology midterm...but i still have lots of material to cover. i HATE myself for procrasinating...but i hate the material even more. it really isn't captivating at all...it's all stuff that i know connotatively, just not denotatively. well, denotation can suck my ass. and my professor is a maniac. if i fail this test, i'm going to shoot...someone. i see myself as at LEAST getting a C. If i earn a C, i'll be content. anything less, i'm gonna go fuckin' insane. this class was supposed to be a breeze. it's turned out to be a tornado. WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING, first of all...freakin' 8:30 AM. classes at and before this time should be outlawed. wuttabuncha crap.

while on the topic of school, i should mention my recent decisions toward the future of my schooling here. i believe that i'm going to shoot for a double major-business and photo-journalism-and a minor in music. afterwards, i'd like to attend the University of Miami and score a degree in Recording Engineering. this way, i'd be completely set for life. decent jobs would be secured, i'd have all the know-how to run my own studio; i'd likely move to California to employ my polished talents. this seems like the place i'd enjoy the most geographically, as well...beaches, mountains, mad-crazy urbanization...it's all there. however, i still have a soft spot for Boston...so, we'll just have to see how the cookie crumbles.

Anne is back, so it's back to the books for me. more later...chizow...

-crazy?

::: posted by AJBrotz at 4:13 AM

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Thursday, October 11, 2001 :::

songs
live: ghost
foo fighters: ain't it the life
collective soul: no more, no less

albums
collective soul: dosage
live: secret samadhi
P.O.D.: satellite

I MUST STUDY.

i'm in love with the outside world. the weather is absolutely perfect.

i miss my baby.

adieu...

-epiphany?

::: posted by AJBrotz at 6:32 PM

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songs of current significance
P.O.D.: satellite
the Ataris: summer wind was always our song
Stabbing Westward: waking up beside you/i remember

yep...basically just wanted to put up those songs there. "satellite" is TOTALLY stuck in my head...great song...

watched The Bicycle Thief today with Drew's film class...awesome Italian Neorealistic film. ITALIANS ARE SUCH BADASSES.

can't wait till friday when my dawgs get here...

freakin' huge midterm comin' up friday for sociology. gotta cram like a fool today. sleep time...

love to all

-virus?

::: posted by AJBrotz at 12:37 AM

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Tuesday, October 09, 2001 :::

album of the moment
P.O.D.: Satellite

aight, i know it's a lot of rap...and i'm not terribly fond of this style anymore...but P.O.D. has soul, man...i don't see them as being cheesy, or processed, or anything like that. they seem authentic to me...and this record seems to portray a more musically mature P.O.D. awesome melodies...tighter songwriting...less repetition...all in all good stuff. and i really dig the mood of the cover art, simplistic as it may be. rock on, Christian rock.

what else is up...i'm sick, but thinking that this will only take a few days to fade. i'm really appreciating the internet lately...all of my friends from back home have been getting better with keeping in touch, and several of my homies may be comin' up this friday: Gorang, Hector, Brian, John Raudebaugh, Brock, Will, and Brittany. house partay...

had some great discussions with drew today...i'm really glad that we're roomin' together. despite our differences, we have several things in common, and he's an awesome kid...much much love and respect from me to him.

sore throats are the WORST EVER. anything else i can cope with...except for ear infections, cuz my hearing is something that shall absolutely NOT be f*cked with.

DIZAMN. All you kids that care about Frizank, check out his latest entry in his blog (the link is at the top of this page).

it appears that songs will likely be REMOVED, rather than ADDED to my list of "songs of my life." i think i was a bit hastey...and i want the list to be fully accurate, and not cheapened by any wishywashy stuff...i mean, anything that's up there at anytime is awesome, in my opinion...but i'm trying to narrow it down to THE songs. the next list will be one of bands...so that'll be easier.

if anyone has tried the new Cinnamon Crispix (!!!), let me know, cuz i'm VERY interested in how those are. i would have bought them today, but drew helped me resist the temptation. i really do need to cut back on purchases of all kinds.

too tired to type anything of substance...so i'm gonna get some sleep.

love and longing for anne...see you soon...

-recovering?

::: posted by AJBrotz at 10:19 PM

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Monday, October 08, 2001 :::

songs of the moment
fenix tx: tearjerker
p.o.d.: alive

well...3 hours of sleep is NOT NEARLY ENOUGH TO GO ON. however, the events that caused this absence of rest were worth the sacrifice. MM and i are official, despite the fact that we've only literally chilled together in person on a few occasions. see...when her and i conversate online, it's like...we don't have to force anything. everything flows...we can talk endlessly (and practically do...) and we have SO MUCH in common. she's sexy, i'm sexy; it works out. she's intelligent, incredibly sweet, patient, witty, musically inclined...but the most important thing is that we connect. i can talk in any manner, and she'll have no problem responding in the same style...and when i'm down, she can easily bring me back up, inspiring a smile that immediately vanquishes all shadows. so...i'm happy, she's happy...and i can't wait 'till i'm able to spend more time with her. weeeeeeeee...

i think i may be getting sick AGAIN as a result of this sleep deprivation. throat tickles...never a good sign.

i need to make a post on this thing detailing the physical attributes of UF's campus...i think that'll be my next entry.

aight...i'm gonna go try to take a nap somewhere. i would be asleep right now, but the benches were too cold earlier this morning. anyway...all and any comments are welcome, and PLEASE download some of the songs mentioned in my last entry. i'd really love to hear your reactions to them.

-prioritized?

::: posted by AJBrotz at 11:02 AM

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songs of my life

stabbing westward: what do i have to do
finger eleven: broken words
stabbing westward: waking up beside you
sprung monkey: in spite of it all
plum: damaged
juliana theory: august in bethany
machine head: the burning red
live: turn my head
a perfect circle: orestes
splender: spin
phil collins: against all odds
a perfect circle: 3 libras
finger eleven: stay and drown
fenix tx: tearjerker
kenna: hell bent
a perfect circle: brena
live: dance with you
incubus: pardon me
kenna: war in me
live: dolphins cry
finger eleven: famous
live: ghost

please...download these songs...or find some way to listen to them. please. i'm practically begging you...even if it's just for a better understanding of me. and maybe that's selfish. nonetheless...please.

the list is to be continued (must sleep)...

-free

::: posted by AJBrotz at 2:11 AM

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Friday, October 05, 2001 :::

Musical Plasticities:
Fenix TX: Lechuza
Live: V
Machine Head: Supercharger


alright...cabin pressure has returned to normal. things are much smoother now...though honestly, i'm still feelin' a few tremors...but that's just because of the distance...the inability to physically share the resurgence of calm and happiness. the 28th cannot come too soon...

the new Live is interesting...not bad...i'm sure i'll learn to appreciate it more, but for now, it's a bit too experimental to gain my approval. i dunno...it's like they forgot about the effectiveness of simplicity. i'll end the criticism, though, and pick it up again after i've spun it a few more times.

Machine Head is quite good...but i already knew that from downloading all of the trax. I had to give the band the respect they deserve and actually purchase the record. I'm a TRUE fan...a member of the original breed...the ones that still shell out money for music. is it a shame that we're dying out? i dunno.

Fenix TX is alright...there's some REALLY good stuff here, but some of it is straight-up unoriginal, and unfortunately, the singer often reminds me of Dexter from Offspring...with that...slightly whiney quality to it. ah well...only 9.99. WOULD have been 7.99 at Target if the idiot on the phone from that store hadn't lied and told me that they didn't carry it. bastard.

so now, brian thinks that halloween horror nights is sold out. POO. that's gonna' suck BIG time if it comes to be true.

"You have to trust in yourself! You must believe in yourself! You have to follow your heart! You overcome, improve, endure!" -Kick You When You're Down, MACHINE HEAD.

alright...sleep time. thank you's to MM for explaining and staying true and sweet...to Annie for her constant support and love...and to Drew for keeping me laughing. to Lauren for being there...to Melo for a wonderful conversation yesterday...and to Meghan for continued trust and friendship. to Brock for being yourself and not getting hit by a flaming bus...to Frank for being sane and out of control...and to Brian for being the best friend/cousin i could ask for. to Amy for keeping in touch...to rob for being the coolest latino medicine ever...and to EVERYONE for EVERYTHING. and of course...my deepest thanx to Him.

love.

"sittin' on the beach
the island king of love
deep in fijian seas
deep in some blissful dream
where the goddess finally sleeps
in the lap of her lover
subdued in all her rage
and i am aglow with the taste of the demons driven out
and happily replaced with the presence of real love
the only one who saves"

those could most definitely be some of my favorite lyrics of all time. "Dance with You," by Live.

-smiling

::: posted by AJBrotz at 1:20 AM

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Thursday, October 04, 2001 :::

In Rotation:
Live: The Distance To Here
Boy Hits Car
Boy Hits Car: My Animal

well. the previous enormous state of happiness has definitely encountered several speedbumps. however, He never ceases to amaze me, presenting me with natures beauty around each corner i turn. so there's no question as to whether or not i'll be able to maintain an overall "smile"; it just may be a little less than fully honest. life goes on.

still haven't managed to get out to the store for milk and tissues. i realize that that's very uninteresting...but it keeps me from comfortably blowing my nose, and from enjoying delicious chocolate milk in the morning...and the fact that i can't pull myself away from the apartment is a puzzle in itself; to me, anyway.

aced another quiz today in retard math. woohoo. it turns out that i made a 75 on the first exam, instead of the 65 that i had originally thought i'd gotten. pretty cool...cool enough for a golf clap...

it literally feels like you're physically being sucked down towards the ground when depression hits. crazy.

consistency
goal of goals
impossible
unobtainable
inconstant
illusion

yeah...i don't like that one. but it's honest.

i gotta go do that shopping, or it will never happen.

i'm sorry.

-shadows

::: posted by AJBrotz at 6:36 PM

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Wednesday, October 03, 2001 :::

Currently Spinning:
Live: The Distance To Here
boy hits car
Bush: Razorblade Suitcase

what a HAPPY day! damn...i dunno...i guess it was a product of achieving a wonderfully adequate amount of sleep, and exposing myself to some FABULOUS music, and having a DELICIOUS dinner prepared by Skeeter and Dum...man. Great vibes. But even as i write this, they're fading, cuz the music is off, and i'm getting sleepy. it's COOL, though, cuz it happened...and i shared it with someone very special. SO, a memory was created. That's all that matters, cuz now, it'll never end. ROCK!

I'm all into Live again...it's such great music for the soul...nothing depressive, or angry, or negative about it. Gotta buy the new one, "V," cuz like Lauren said, "Buy it. It's Live. It has to be good." ROCK!

boy hits car...GREAT energy...I'm stuck on them. splendid band, just splendid. original, polished and raw at the same time (wonderful), positive, intelligent, pure. i do believe that their self-titled has achieved a spot in my list of all-time favorite albums. ROCK!

Anne introduced me to the Ataris tonight...it's punk, but...it's GOOD punk. My wall that i previously built up against this breed of rock has several holes in it now...New Found Glory, the Ataris, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, Green Day, Fenix TX...i'm sure that there are more, but my cerebral command center is a bit exhausted at this time of morning. Anyway, mad props and love to Anne for keepin' my spirits up with engaging, interesting, and just plain happy conversations. muhehehe...ROCK!

Halloween Horror Nights. Saturday night. Thirty smackers, kids...not bad, eh? This goes for everyone 'cept for 2 lucky individuals that got first dibs. so, if you don't think you are one of them, u probably aren't...but you should still come! just lemme know soon...not much time left...tickets are being purchased friday. it's gonna...ROCK!

Alright, i think i'm spent. my neck is startin' to yell at me. thank to you everyone that is a part of my life...love you all...

-satisfied?

::: posted by AJBrotz at 12:45 AM

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Tuesday, October 02, 2001 :::

don't forget to listen to the song of the whistling toads. this is crucial. the jam is nearing the silver kitchen...so rock the squiggle pen till kingdom come. SALADFISHMAN.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 7:05 PM

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Monday, October 01, 2001 :::

albums currently in cd changer:
pushmonkey
sevendust: home
splender: halfway down the sky

so tired...

mad props and love to lauren

the weather is beautiful...causing me to wish i had someone. this loneliness is gettin' old; i've never had such a constant desire for a significant other.

want to get involved in something...maybe this Composers club that's goin' on. dunno.

Absent is officially being managed. woohooeee

__________________________________
raindrops paint your face transparent
a window to the love i love
it's more than everything
my glistening angel

i can't remember to forget you
___________________________________

so i borrowed the last line. it's too good to pass up. everyone, GO SEE MEMENTO.

no one has informed me as to whether or not they're able to go to halloween horror nights. too bad...

dying for a sunset over and into the ocean...

-patient

::: posted by AJBrotz at 5:11 PM

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