Tuesday, December 23, 2003 :::

well, nearly 4 weeks and a kidney stone later, i'm finally finding time to update this beast. don't feel like going too far into the description of the hell that was my kidney stone attacks/surgery - most of you already know enough details to satisfy your curiosities. For those that do not, it all started on the Saturday of the FSU game:
kidney stone attack --> trip to ER --> wonderful drugs --> sent home
4 Days Later:
kidney stone attack --> trip to ER --> wait forever while uncontrollably vomitting --> trip to less-crowded ER --> wait forever again --> drugs relieve pain but turn me into Lucifer --> sent home
Next Day:
constant, extreme kidney pain --> 9-11 --> rescue unit --> drugs at ER --> incredibly frustrating racist black people on other half of my room at ER --> admittance to hospital
While admitted at Shands, I had my kidney stone blasted by a little laster that was inserted through my peehole; a stint placed in my ureter to keep it from swelling shut; a catheter shoved up the same hole, which delivered the WORST pain I have ever felt in my life; and enjoyed the morphine and various other painkillers that were served to me through my IV. After being discharged, the 'rents took me back to Orlando to recover. That night was possibly the worst night of my life. Pain, dizziness, constant vomitting, and an absolute lack of strength kept me up all night. I shit you not - I was so weak that I could hardly raise my head, nevermind walk. When morning came, mom and dad took me to the kidney stone center at Florida Hospital (I could probably drive there while blindfolded at this point) where they treated me amazingly well, took excellent care of me, and admitted me to the hospital. 2 days and much pain medication later, I had the stint removed, and almost immediately, all was well with the world again. If you would have seen me, you would have sworn that a different person had been in that hospital bed just a day earlier. Speaking of "you," I can't thank the few of you who visited me, whether in Gainesville or in Orlando, enough. Laura, Kevin, Will, Nicole, Juan, Leslie, Grandma, Miss Doreen, Uncle Jeff, Aunt Cindy, and especially mom and dad; words can't express the love and appreciation that I feel for each of you. I pray that none of you ever has to experience the sort of thing that I went through, but know that if you did, I would be there for you in a heartbeat - even if only to hold your hand.
SO, there are a few lessons to be learned from my little story, from which we can all benefit. Lesson 1: Kidney stones cause more pain than any person should ever have to experience. Lesson 2: DRINK THE RECOMMENDED DAILY AMOUNT OF WATER. Lesson 3: Emergency rooms suck - especially Shands'. Shands as a whole is pretty shitty. Stay away from there if you can help it.
In conclusion, I was told that I still have 3 small stones...so I'm hoping that they'll either disintegrate or pass without much pain. What can I say? I guess I'm a stoner for life.

SO MUCH TO SAY. Christmas, as always, was excellent...the main prize was a digital camera, which I returned for a different one...which was itself returned for yet another one. Anyway, the camera I wound up with is supergreat. I look forward to taking some carayzay pictures of all you kids in the near future...and then posting them on the net for all to see...so be sure to check the site regularly. Okay, fine...I'm half-kidding. Half.

Return of the King was, of course, sensational. I'm not going to say anything else about it - go see it if you haven't already...and if you want to read about it, visit Frank's blog and look for his review. Very nice work...always high-quality penmanship from my #1 dawg.

New Years Eve is upon us. Pretty nutty, eh? 2004. I feel like 2003 was a pretty full year, though...what do you kids think? I mean, I'm usually quick to say "man, this year flew by," but I'm hesitant this time around. Here's hoping that this feeling becomes a trend. If I don't see or talk to you, have a safe, ass-kickin' welcoming into the New Year!

And now, the time has come to get a little more serious than usual. There are times in every person's life when he or she must accept certain truths...truths that, when accepted, can change one's life dramatically. I know that this truth will be difficult for some of you to accept, but I feel that it is only right to be open and honest with you all, and trust to hope that after sharing this with you, our frienships will remain intact, untarnished - perhaps stronger, even. My friends, the truth is...
Alan is no longer single.
Take a moment to allow this to sink in...then recompose yourselves.
L to the A to the U R A has filled the position, so to speak. We're the best of friends, as most of you know, so it works out beautifully. I'm one lucky kid... - I feel that whenever I spend time with her, I become a better person. She's an amazing girl, whom I admire in many ways, and I'm grateful for anything and everything that the future holds for us. I'll be missing you hardcore tonight... - good luck with everything on Friday. See you soon!

What else, before I close this thing out... - bought the "Waking Life" dvd yesterday for $5.99 at Best Buy - what a movie, what a movie. Nothing else like it. Let's see...I'm SERIOUSLY digging the new single from Lost Prophets, entitled "Last Train Home." Do yourself a favor and download this rockin' track. The record comes out February 3rd, if I'm not mistaken. February 6th = Anberlin at the Social with Further Seems Forever, Watashi Wa and a couple others - CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS SHOW! Let me know if you want to come along...and if you don't...well...you're stupid. That's all there is to it, really. But I still love you.

Alright...I totally left out any details regarding my 4 day stay at Disney World... - to sum it up, I had an awesome time with the family...the fireworks were incredible...and overall, I felt like a little kid again. All 4 parks were excellent. Despite the corruption and whathaveyou surrounding Disney, I am and hopefully always will be a huge fan.

That about does it for this year in posts... - it's been a decent year, wouldn't you say? Visit again soon for some sort of year-in-review...if not wholistically, then at least regarding music and movies. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

love,
aj

::: posted by AJBrotz at 3:47 PM

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Thursday, December 04, 2003 :::

audio post powered by audblog

::: posted by AJBrotz at 12:47 PM

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Thursday, November 20, 2003 :::

KoRn: Take a Look in the Mirror

Heaviest record since the self-titled.
...okay, fine...it's the heaviest KoRn record ever. Seriously.
It's as if the guys actually - pardon the cliche - took a look in the mirror and remembered how much ass they used to destroy. Of course, it's not all back-to-basics...I mean, what would a KoRn album be without experimentation?
Very solid collection of tracks...the work put into each song definitely shows through. Several moments where I'm actually like "damn...that sounded pretty freakin' sweet." And changes in time signature? Is this really KoRn? Yes...and it's awesome.
Beautiful recording quality. No complaints.
It's obvious that Jon worked his ASS off. Awesome performance...overall, it's his best yet. Also, this is the first record produced by Jon and the band. Excellent work.
Now...about the track "Play Me," which features NAS. Yeah, it's rap...but it works. I'm telling you...each track on this record is SOLID. KoRn has touched on all the bases in past, and it's been ugly at times, but it's evident that the guys have learned from their mistakes.
My least favorite track on the record...but it's cool that it's here...is "Alive." Originally a demo that turned into "Need To," which appears on the debut, "Alive" was always an awesome track...but...I dunno...I guess I just don't feel like it fits the more complex vibe that KoRn has attained.
This is the most conscious attempt at a return to their roots that KoRn has made thus far...and that can only mean good things for their future. They've taken all the peaks from their previous substyles and incorporated/capitalized upon them. The melodies on this record are NICE...the heavy shit is heavy as FUCK... - I'm not gonna lie to you - I'm excited.
In sum, Jon, Fieldy, Munky, Head, and David are each playing at his highest potential, and the songwriting here is KoRn's best.
Take a Look in the Mirror easily surpasses Untouchables, Issues, and even Follow the Leader.

Refreshing.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 1:14 PM

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Saturday, November 15, 2003 :::

Sweet new band, Kaddisfly - NICE music. Nothing terribly new style-wise, but admirable execution. I'll be picking up their debut LP, "Did You Know People Can Fly?" on December 16th. Give 'em a listen HERE. Check out their site.

Current score: Florida 24; S. Carolina 22. 10:04 left in the game. Nerves...

Hope the O-Towners had fun last night and continue it tonight at the Reggie show! "Let's Get it On!"

::: posted by AJBrotz at 3:14 PM

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NEW BLINDSIDE. EXCITEMENT. HERE.

I thought about a burning fire...

::: posted by AJBrotz at 3:50 AM

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Monday, November 03, 2003 :::

I had an AWESOME time in Orlando, thanks to the best friends and family anyone could ever ask for.

Unfortunately, I did not attend the Anberlin show. Will had to bail out on me, due to schoolastic obligations, and I didn't feel like going by myself - half of my fun would have been to share my crazy-ass excitement with someone...rock out hardcore with someone...so, oh well. Next time...and there WILL be a next time.

On the Anberlin lyrics tip: I was unaware that the Cure originally wrote this song, and am currently downloading their version. It's always nice to see lyrics instead of merely hearing them (Anberlin's "liner notes" don't include any lyrics) - i noticed that I'd been singing "fun again" instead of "born again," and also noticed that you wrote "I'll never fall away" instead of "However far away," so thanks for that, melo...i suppose i'll go ahead and rewrite them out.

Love Song
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am born again

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

Robert definitely has a way with words... - See the lyrics to "If" on Saladfishman's blog. Great stuff.

I'm seriously wanting/trying to turn my life around in a number of ways, taking one step at a time...heading back to my true source of passion - music. Had an enlightening conversation with my dad yesterday, and it's awesome to know that even though he doesn't fully understand my dreams, he's behind me - as long as I create an actual path for myself that he can be behind. Long story short...I've always wanted to dedicate my efforts to becoming a proficient musician, but the thought of how competitive and corrupt the industry is has always discouraged me and caused me to look for other, seemingly-easier routes to take on my way to the real world. In the end, that's living a lie and wasting time. SO. What's my next step, after accepting this? Should I stay and finish out the Film degree and spend all of my spare time taking music lessons (voice/guitar/drums)? Yeah, that's a helluvalotof money I'm talking about...but I feel like I'm so far behind where I should be at in terms of musicianship, and if I took at least a couple classes simultaneously, I feel that they'd compliment each other. Primarily, I want to become skilled in reading music, to the point that I have little trouble "sightreading." Voice and/or piano lessons would help the most in this area, so maybe I should start there? Tossing ideas around helps, but I've got to grab on to at least one and make a start, or else I'll get nowhere. I've always taken the easy way out of situations... - it's easy to stay in bed...simple to take courses that deal with broad, ambiguous topics...easy to stay up late instead of forcing myself to get sleep...easier to skip meals than it is to fix myself something to eat. I have a long way to go...but I have to take one step at a time, cuz "weighing down my soul, the thought of it's too much - when I think about it all." Start thinking differently, start acting differently, and change my surroundings. This is what I must do. Eventually, I hope to be able to play music for a living - whether it's a regular gig somewhere for some company, or touring with a band, but first, I need to take steps towards becoming a better musician. Just have to figure out where to start, dammit. I'll make it happen. Even if I have to take some time off from school, I'll make it happen.

Elton John is SUPERB. Anyone who disagrees is either a homophobe or hasn't spent enough time with his music.

It'd be easy to keep writing in here, but I need to eat and get some homework done. Bring on the discipline...

::: posted by AJBrotz at 4:54 PM

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Friday, October 31, 2003 :::

2 stars for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I'm feeling generous.

"Anon" should let me know who he/she is.

O-town, here I come...and believe you me, I need you right now.

"I guess it's too bad that everything we have is taken away." - Adam Russell (not profound or original, I know, but it just left the speakers, went into my head, and at that precise moment, fit quite nicely)

"WTF, mate?" "Fire Z Missiles!"

"I'd take it back today, but it's out of my hands." - Scott Anderson (even more appropriate. alright, i'm done)

Bring on the O-town.

Happy Halloween. Scare your dad.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 4:02 AM

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Thursday, October 30, 2003 :::

Fuck all that bullshit...falling into that hole was simply lazy of me. No reason for depression whatsoever.

Had a great weekend with my friends and family... - awesome to see everyone again - saw a little more of a few people than I would have preferred... - ah, who am I kidding. Incest is the best, and I don't discriminate against the brown ones. Even a couple of the ladies showed some skin, which is always nice, and always strongly encouraged. My favorite moment of the night: "Matrix...matrix..."

Twas nice to catch up with Melo...it always takes a little while for us to break the ice that seems to form between us over time...but once that's accomplished, it's smooth sailing and lotsa laughter. Great minds and noodle salad.

If any of you kids are considering visiting the so-called "corn maze," STOP. Terrible waste of money, which could be better spent on seeing The Texas Chainsaw Massacre...which I've still not seen. Anyone interested in accompanying me to the theatre? Fortunately, the visit to the crap maze yielded some highly entertaining video, courtesy of Francis and one lost, starstruck grasshopper. "His mission continues..."

Halloween Horror Nights was enjoyable the second time around, though the vibe seemed tense at times. Seeing Alicia again rocked, and it's always good times with Heather and Erin. Watching Will get the shit scared out of him never gets old, and hearing him scream like a little girl...well...it's invigorating, to say the least. Frank, you know what I'm talking about. I recommend the "D_I_E IN" and the "Funhouse" for a few scares and "Psycho Scareapy" for God-awful smells. That was some sick shit...literally.

Because I can't get enough of my o-town posse, I'll be back down this weekend for more Halloween festivities, AND, Sunday night, I'll be going to see ANBERLIN in concert! Cannot wait... - I'm going to rock my cousin-loving ASS off. What a great band...

Congrats to Franklin on finishing his time at Full Sail - with a 90% average, no less. That's my dawg... - can't wait to see your name in the liner notes of some of my future-favorite records.

I LOVE SEVENDUST.

The more time I spend at school, the more I feel that I shouldn't be here...that I should be dedicating my time to becoming more proficient on guitar...on the drums...with my voice. There's no feeling like writing a song, performing it on the stage, and being proud of the end result. Nothing like it...especially when you can share that feeling with your friends. I miss it so badly...but keep telling myself that there's plenty of time, and in time, I'll return to it and give it my all. Seriously, if I graduate with a degree in Film and Media Studies and go on to get a job or two that are totally unrelated to my schooling, just so that I'm able to pay the bills while I work on music, I'll be a happy camper. I realize that the biz is extremely corrupt, and I may not be business-savvy enough to immediately know whether or not I'm being taken advantage of by whichever label desides to sign us...but...there's a part of me that longs to realize the dream so badly that I'm willing to take the chance, and then some. How amazing would it be, to tour the world and play music for a living? I can't fathom it. Yeah, there'd be a whole bunch of shit to go along with it that I'd rather not have to mess with, but fuck the bitches that complain about that. Nothing comes easy, and I'm willing to work for it. So...why am I at school right now? Because I've come too far with it to simply up and abandon it. All of the pieces will come together, in time. No doubt.

Speaking of school...dropped two classes, so I'm down to 7 credit hours this semester. Am I a loser or what? (If you answered "what," I love you) My poor sleeping habits got way out of hand, to the detriment of my coursework and attendence. No worries, though...what's done is done, and I have the utmost confidence that I'll not repeat the same mistakes next semester - at least not to the same deplorable degree. I feel horrible to have wasted the money on those classes...very ashamed...and there's no way that I'll do that to my parents ever again. Looks like I'll be taking classes over the summer - otherwise, I'll be stuck here forever. Hopefully, that won't interfere with plans for the Island...I heart that place and miss it terribly.

MATRIX IN LESS THAN A WEEK! The saga will end...cannot wait to see the showdown in Zion.

I'll try to update this thing more often - at least once a week, even if I'm only able to muster up utter and complete nonsense. Love you all like a fat kid loves cake...Ci vediamo.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 2:11 AM

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Friday, October 17, 2003 :::

"...so why does it feel...like the sun has just burned out?...and why does it feel...everyone's waiting for us...to crumble and just...break...down"

from the depths of depression, i finally break the silence we've all grown accustomed to when visiting this website. i say "depression" because...well...i'm actually depressed. strange, eh? it is to me, anyway, because when i first started feeling this, it was as if i'd stepped off of a cliff that i'd been happily sitting atop of. it was that drastic...i was fully aware of where i'd been and how long i'd been there, and in light of that, i was able to recognize where i had fallen - out of optimisim, into negativism. i'm not commenting on all of this because i want to bitch - rather, it is because i found the stark difference in mood intriguing - it made me realize how long i'd been living day-to-day without depression, and since the change is so poignant, i feel no need to hesitate in stating that i've truly been depressed tonight. similarly, i can look back and recognize that throughout my late-middle school years and most of my high school years, i was definitely depressed. as shitty as it is to be down here, it is exciting to finally be able to acutely recognize the differences in attitudes - the potentialities of "Alan." I'm currently in the shitter, but I know that I'm here, and I know that somehow, i've managed to get myself out of the shit in the past...so it's comforting, knowing that the "light at the end of the tunnel" metaphor is now forever applicable.

my recipe for depression: terrible time management --> staying up too late (we're talking 5 or 6 AM) --> sleeping in too late --> missing classes / missing meals --> terrible mindset / mental health.
*note - the aforementioned events must occur consistently over a lengthy period of time for the undesired consequences to take effect. if this process proves unsuccessful, an unusually unlucky bad day, or a disgustingly slop-ass roommate, can provide the necessary finishing touches.

so...yeah...that's what happened. use your imagination, i guess... - it's not really worth getting into.

it's currently 5:11 AM. where is she when i need her? asleep...45 minutes away, but she might as well be on the other side of the world. she's probably wrong, anyway. always investing my hopes in those that i feel for...those that i want to help instead of the (seemingly) independent ones. what am i saying, anyway - i've really only invested myself in one person, and that was...over 6 years ago.
doe she even like you? my having to ask that question is, in and of itself, disheartening. although...having doubts implies that there is something to be had, so i suppose that i have more than i've had in quite a long time. however,
"...i don't need something that hurts more than nothing..." and i loathe the thought of returning to numbness. i'm extending my arms...but i don't know how long i'll be able to keep them outstretched...holding onto hope...palms weighted by uncertainty.


part of my left arm has literally been numb for 2 weeks now.

comfort = sevendust

i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage. i need the stage.

i've always felt that i am to die young.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 4:50 AM

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Tuesday, September 30, 2003 :::

The King of Procrastination has stepped down from his throne.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 11:35 PM

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Friday, August 29, 2003 :::

why don't you run, why don't you RUN!!!
why don't you run, BACK TO SCHOOL!!!

Can't believe I'm nearly finished with 4 years of college...but it definitely feels different as this third year is starting. Better. I feel more focused...more motivated...older. Maybe it's the result of experiencing so many things this past year or so... - I'm sure that Europe is heavily responsible...but regardless of the cause, I'm enjoying this new sense of self. Life is such an amazing gift... - just when you think you've got it figured out, something new switches everything around...the Powers that Be write a new manifesto for you and point you in a slightly different direction - slight, but in a way that you never could have predicted. Big props to all of my friends who realize how amazing simply existing is - you remind me when I forget, direct me when I lose my way, and continually inspire me to embrace this world, crazy as it is. Thank you!

This semester promises to be more hectic and stressful than any semester past. 14 credit hours, featuring two relatively simple gen-ed classes (Age of Dinosaurs and Solving Problems with Computer Software) and two extremely involved media studies classes (Video Production and TV and Electronic Culture), on top of my new job at the UF Bookstore. I'm pretty psyched about all of my classes, especially VP and SPwCS, but VP is solely concerned with "experimental video," which promises to be a serious mind-fuck, and TV is gonna have me reading 24/7. The job is alright, but I start at 9 every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday...so that's kinda crappy... - however, I have the honor of working alongside Morgan Freeman's older brother! His name is Reggie, and I swear, he sounds, looks and acts just like Morgan Freeman. A truly wonderful man who makes moving boxloads of books around all worth while. God Bless Reggie.

Picked up the Yellowcard cd for 6.99 at FYE (that crazy store and it's crazy prices, i swear...) and I highly recommend it to everyone. Great pop/punk if one must label it. Stand-out features include an awesome violin player, straight-through listenability, and the most positive lyrics I've heard in a long time. Added bonus - they're straight out of Florida. Not sure how long FYE will have it on sale (or even if they still do), so check it out and pick it up if you can.

So...obligatory bitch-time, since that's what these blog things are best for, right? I'm so tired of going to sleep alone...so wanting of someone who will dedicate a special part of herself and her love to me...so ready to give that same part of myself to her - whoever she may be. Lust only gets you so far, as we all know, and at the end of the night, you're lonelier than you were before... - I'm tired of feeling like something is missing. I keep waiting for someone who seems to stand out...someone who I might connect with...someone who "gets" me. I've been told that I'm too picky, that I set my standards too high or whatever...but what's the point of settling for something that doesn't truly excite me? I've felt that rush before...the butterflies, the inexplicable happiness of being understood and appreciated, and regardless of how long it may take, I'm not going to set that amazing potentiality aside for something that will temporarily fill a void or allow me to pretend that it does. I really don't feel like my heart is closed off... - true, I'm not intentionally putting myself out there for opportunity, but there's a part of me that feels like I shouldn't have to. The theory of something eventually happening naturally has always been a hope and belief of mine - I just wish that "eventually" didn't imply such a long wait. Anyway, this is all just bitching - I'm totally stable and far from being depressed - just allowing the hopeful romantic in me to vent. It would be nice to be content with writing some poetry and lyrics that didn't always concern love and loss, though...

On a more optimistic note - my cousin Angela and I may be starting a little project. Angela has an amazing, confident personality - a real, pure happiness and sense of humility that is all-too-uncommon...and she has a great voice. A while back, I half-jokingly proposed that we start a band, and surprisingly, she was all for it. I was fully expecting a response along the lines of "i'd be too shy" or "I'm not that good!" but she was truly excited about the idea. SO, I, too, am extremely psyched about the possibilities that we might face together. I seriously feel like this might have a future... - no real idea of the style we'll embrace, but we both dig Evanescence, so that's freakin' awesome. Next Wednesday, we're getting together and she's going to sing My Immortal for me - she wants me to hear/see her live - so I'm gonna try to translate the piano part to guitar. I cannot wait...

My main dawg Brian is still holding onto hope for Absent, and I love him for it. He met some guy that works for Atlantic Records and is sending him our demo. Who knows? crazier things have happened...maybe this will wind up being my last year at UF. Wouldn't that be insane... I have full confidence that someday, my rock and roll dreams will really come true, so I'm not worried about rushing into anything...but I'll damn sure drop everything if a sweet opportunity comes along.

That's it for now...so...go outside and look at Mars. Ci Vediamo...

::: posted by AJBrotz at 12:28 AM

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Friday, August 15, 2003 :::

New buttons for Anberlin, Homestar Runner, and Real Ultimate Power (the Ninja Site)!!!

If you have yet to hear Anberlin, CLICK ON MY NEW LINK NOW! They've released the best album of the year, and you owe it to yourself to listen to it. Pure rock fury, baby!

As for www.homestarrunner.com, this is simply THE BEST site on the world wide web. You could spend days there and still laugh your ass off. I did, and happily continue to do so. Seriously, click the new Homestar Runner button and explore the site. I recommend starting off with the Intro, then the "First time here?" button, followed by a visit to the "Characters" section and several minutes spent checking out the "Strong Bad E-Mails." This series of events will undoubtedly compose the highlight of your day. EVERYBODY TO THE LIMIT!

I'm looking for logos to use as links to the sites of Kenna, Thrice, Reggie and the Full Effect, and The Postal Service, so if anyone happens to come across a good-looking picture representing one of those bands, let me know.

Speaking of Reggie and the Full Effect...

BEST MUTHACLUCKING SHOW OF THE CENTURY! HAPPY CHICKENS!!!

Holy CRAP Reggie is great live. And by great, I mean incredibly awesome. And by that, I mean that if you missed out on their show because of some "Rejects" gig or whatever (which I believe includes all of you except for Will, Meghan and Stephanie), you are incredibly not awesome. This was possibly the best performance by a band that I've ever seen. I wish I had video of it - I'd watch it endlessly. Great costumes, great humor, great music...there's no way to describe it for you to understand. You had to be there. I think that there are some pictures on their message board, so be sure to check them out. I can't stop thinking about how amazing this show was... - without a doubt, the hightlight for me was when Klaus from Common Denominator (a death metal band from Finland, actually comprised of the members of Reggie) came out with his horns and sceptor. My God...I can't remember the last time that I was so excited. Truly unbelievable show...absolutely no way that it could have been any better.

I've purchased 92875 cds this summer...but I'll only recommend a few.

To start, if you haven't already checked out Kenna, I demand that you stop reading this right now, head over to Kenna Online, and listen to some samples from "New Sacred Cow". I promise that at the very least, it will be refreshing. It's quite different from anything else going on right now (and better that most of it, in my opinion). 4.5 out of 5.

I recommended Anberlin several months ago, but if you still haven't picked up their debut cd, "Blueprints for the Black Market", please, do yourself a favor and get it. I dub this record the best release of the year. Rock and roll lives! 5 out of 5.

On a heavier note, the new record from Thrice is well worth its $10 price tag. Blending elements of straight-up old-school metal with emo-rock, this band is as tight as they come. Thoughtful lyrics, awesome harmonies - fans of bands like Further Seems Forever can finally be friends with the hardcore kids. My only gripe (and it's a considerable one) is that the record can get pretty old pretty quickly. 3.5 out of 5.

I've only listened to Jack Johnson's "On and on" once all the way through...but I absolutely LOVED it. Perfect chill-at-the-beach music. Such a pleasant voice - a soothing tone with some reggae style - accompanied by tasteful percussion and surprisingly pure-sounding acoustic guitars. You can even hear the ocean on the last track. I may be rushing this, but...5 out of 5.

If you're looking for some good driving/study/relax/sleep music with soft vocals and awesome beats (aren't we all!?), check out The Postal Service. Fans of Bjork should have little trouble enjoying this, along with a more mainstream audience, due to the more-accessible vocals. The project is helmed by two talented dudes, and they've put together an awesome concept...but the album (entitled "Give Up") suffers somewhat by consisting of songs that often sound too similar (how's that for consonance?). Definitely something special, though... - I look forward to maturation with their next release. 4 out of 5.

Other records worth checking out:

The Mars Volta: De-Loused in the Comatorium
Formed from the ashes of At the Drive-In; no limits; for fans of ATDI, Tool, Radiohead, Pink Floyd.

Reggie and the Full Effect: Under the Tray
FUN is the word for this record. FOOD is another good word for it, too...

That's enough music for now. SO, school's right around the corner...time to leave work here at Swim Systems and head back to Gaynessville. Mixed emotions...as always, the worst part is leaving you guys behind (the vast majority of you, anyway). It makes so much sense for me to stay here - my friends are here, my band is here, my parents need the help at Swim Systems...but instead, I'm going to UF, still unaware of my calling, unsure if UF even holds it for me. At times like these, I wish that the human lifespan was longer so that I could finish school and still be "young" enough to start up a band afterwards. I'll probably just wind up being a Film teacher or professor somewhere, making short films on the side, working on music... - not a bad setup, actually. Kind of exciting to think about teaching kids who have a passion for film... - who knows. I suppose it's best to keep myself free of limitations as best as I can. Still wish G-ville was closer...

Again, Saladfishman's blog has been updated - I'm sure he'd appreciate it if you checked it out and left a comment. That'd be super-great! Until next time..."Socks go on your feet, not your arms - if he had meant for them to go on your arms, he would have put little finger things in them."

love paco.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 3:12 PM

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Monday, August 11, 2003 :::

AFTER 18 MONTHS OF WAITING, SALADFISHMAN HAS FINALLY UPDATED HIS BLOG. WELCOME BACK, BUDDY. I MEAN ME. I MEAN...CLICK ON A LINK.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 4:51 PM

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Tuesday, July 15, 2003 :::

I have no idea how to start this post.


Now that it's started...

I guess I'll just jump right in with something random,

since SO MUCH has happened since the last post,

and my plethora of memories is jumbled and stale.

At this point, anything/everything seems random.

Nonetheless, a futile attempt to recap/resume

is better than no attempt at all

...right?


The European Experience, as I'm calling it, was absolutely _____________. If you've not been overseas within the last few years of your life, there's very little chance that you'll be able fathom the psychological/emotional atmosphere that characterized my summer, even if I describe every little thing that happened. More and more, I find myself having a hard time remembering the feeling of it all - as time passes, the whole thing feels more like a dream than anything else. TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORLDS. It is as if my mind can't handle them both as reality at the same time, so while here, the European memories take on a dreamlike facade, making it easier to live in the US. Yes, this all sounds intensely exaggerated, but read the second 'actual' sentence of this post again, and maybe you'll find justification for my thoughts. If not, just talk to Drew. That kid is having an incredibly difficult time with letting go of Rome, so much so that I feel like he is exaggerating. But he's not. In retrospect, the trip seems...like a drug-enduced trip. Something fantastical...a vivid subconscious experience that left an actualistic (if that's not a word, it should be) impression.

FIVE FOREIGN COUNTRIES, all experienced in the span of 7.5 weeks, when all I'd ever known was the cultureless (in comparison) U S of A. I'm kicking myself so hard for not keeping up with my journal over there, because it is truly impossible to recapture the moments after-the-fact. In Rome, we visited so many churches that nearly all of them blend together now to form one huge Superchurch. Santa Maria Sopra Minerva (Saint Mary over Minerva (the Roman goddess of war)) stands out, and it should, seeing as I wrote two four-page papers about it and experienced my first actual confession under its roof. What a strange, refreshing experience...I felt so much lighter afterwards...sin-free, apparently. I didn't know the formalities of the process, so the priest guided me through a sort of makeshift confession, which primarily consisted of him asking if I had committed certain sins and me answering yes or no. Occasionally, more prominent sins came to mind, and I confessed them on my own. The priest was very...comforting, yet strong at the same time. He suggested modifications to my prayer life...that I start reading the Bible...and assigned to me five "Our Father's," five "Hail Mary's," and five "Glory Be's." Well, according to traditional Catholicism, I've acquired quite a few more sins since that cleansing, although I, personally, am fine with most of them. I need to dedicate more thought to how I feel about Catholicism, about whether or not I am willing to wholly dedicate myself to its regulations and practices. Currently, I'm extremely far from that state of being, though I feel closer to it than most of my friends...but does that mean anything at all, really? Everyone that I associate myself with is good at heart - is that not enough? The debate seems neverending, and is not the focus of this entry. Saint Peter's and the Vatican were incredible, but the church was far too touristy and museum-esque for me to feel the peace that I desire from a holy place. The view from the cupola above St. Peter's was breathtaking, as were several views throughout Rome that allowed us to see the entire city in one take. Okay, I could write an entire blog detailing my experiences in Rome, and I'm no so concerned with specific events as I am with specific emotional and psychological enlightenments. Moving on...

Through visiting France, Rome, and Germany, I realized the origins of my name. "Alan" comes from the French name "Alain," which Melody has called me for years. Interestingly, the name revealed itself to me not in France, but on a building in Rome and through a woman in Switzerland, who recognized that my first name was French while my last name was German. I have no French ancestors, but my father's father was as German as they come (without being Nazi, mind you). I actually saw the word "brotz" within another word on a banner hanging across a beer stand. How awesome is that. My middle name comes from my mother's father, and I'm fairly certain that "John" is of American origin. SO. French American German. Where does the Italian fit in!?! Not in my name, apparently. Che schiffo.

Switzerland was probably the "nicest" place that we visited. Infinite natural beauty, cleanliness, an abundance of free-flowing water, cool kids/people, and little cause for claustrophobia (unlike Rome). We happened to arrive there the day before Luzern's biggest party of the year, dubbed "Alt Schtadt," meaning Old City - and what a party it was. 6 AM to 4 AM. The whole city came out for this thing. Beer and food everywhere. Tons of (surprisingly good) cover bands. We all had a blast... - if Luzern wasn't my favorite place in Europe, London was.

London seemed to be comprised of bits and pieces of the other four countries that I visited: the modernity of Munich; the culture of Rome; the natural beauty of Paris; the cleanliness of Switzerland. Of course, London was more similar to the US than any other place I visited In Europe, which worked well to ready me for the transition I would soon face upon returning home. London's subway system, the Underground, is the easiest, most efficient method of mass transportation that I have ever come across. Paris would be 100 times more enjoyable if its Metro system was replaced by the Underground. Big Ben was awesome, the Crown Jewels inside of the London Tower were stunning, and the cool weather offered a glorious break from the heat. On our last night there, Brandy and I saw STOMP, which brutally kicked our asses. Total Hotness.

Rome definitely served up the best food. All of the prearranged meals were superb (except for one fluke) and we found some awesome spots on our own. Some places served excellent pizza, while others served rather mediocre/unappetizing 'za. Even the chain restaurants (Burger King, McDonalds, etc) were better in Rome. Dare I say that McDonalds was actually decent? Scary, eh? The Pizza Huts in Europe were especially interesting, offering actual meals, enticing deserts, and even mixed drinks.

On the "drinks" tip: I had a few. Okay, several. Okay fine, I want one right now. The wine in Italy puts all wine in the states to shame, but I think I enjoyed the wine in Paris the most - the only pink wine that I had during the entire trip. I can say that I only got drunk once, but I buzzed quite well on many occasions. No vomitting, unlike my good friend Drew, heheh...that's my crazy roommate. I can also say that I've developed something of a taste for beer, particularly Lowenbrau. For those of you into trying new things, Limoncello is an excellent after-dinner liquor - just remember to sip. It's pretty strong stuff.

Some pretty awesome friends were made while traveling, and I hope that we all keep in touch. Group 312 rocks my socks off, but the Sixers are second to no one! Thanks for all the memories, you guys...can't wait until the reunion...

There's so much more to say about the trip, but that will ALWAYS be the case, so I'm going to leave Europe for now and switch over to Absent.

ABSENT IS PLAYING WARPED TOUR! My God, I can't wait to tear up that stage. I expect every single person reading this to be there. July 24th, all day. Not sure what time we'll be playing, but I'll post it as soon as I know, along with the name of the stage that we'll be playing on. We'll be sharing the day with a kickass lineup that includes The Used, Glassjaw, The Starting Line, The All-American Rejects, and several other amazing bands. The day is definitely worth the price, so if there's any way at all that you can come, PLEASE COME!
Additionally, there is a strong possibility that Absent will be playing the Lake Mary Pub this coming Thursday. Again, more info will be posted as I get it. If you haven't already, check out the new www.absent1.com (there are TWO links to the site on this page) and sign the guestbook. Reading your insightful/nonsensical/whateveral comments always brings a smile to my face and a song in my pants.

I'll be working every weekday from 8 to 5, but I'm available during lunch (12-ish) and never have plans for the evenings. Sorry if I have yet to return any phonecalls...it's been madness with work and Absent. Hope to hang with everyone soon...

ALBUM OF THE MONTH
Kenna: New Sacred Cow
After years of postponements, it's finally in stores. BUY IT.

Ciao per adesso...Ti amo...

::: posted by AJBrotz at 12:12 PM

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Monday, June 16, 2003 :::

Happy Birthday to me...20 years under my belt. Pretty crazy when I stop and think about it...possibly one-fourth or so of my life, over and done with. This is the first birthday where I'm actually feeling older - a definite result of spending all of this time in Europe. It's amazing how much maturation occurs when one spends time in an unfamiliar setting... - the same sort of thing happened in Boston a few years ago. It's inconceivable how fortunate I am for all of this...impossible to achieve an appropriate level of gratitude - but I AM immensely grateful. Strange not being home for a birthday, but in a way, I'm glad for it. The more perspective one can gain, the better. Of course, there's no getting around how much I miss my family and friends, how much I wish they (you) could be with me today, but knowing that they are thinking of me fills my heart. I am blessed beyond earthly comprehension with the most amazing friends and family on this planet.

Juan/Laura: Thank you so much for that call this morning...I was too groggy to adequately express how happy I was at that moment, but after 10 minutes or so, I was glowing. You guys are the greatest...Grazie mille.

So much has happened since the last post. The degree to which I've fallen behind with my journal is irreparable, but I have loads of footage to (semi)compensate for that. This past weekend, Drew, Kim, Brandy, Nicole and I went to Venice. Great times...gondola ride...and superb beer. The next day, we went to Germany (yes, GERMANY), but more on that later.

Have to cut this short...birthday events are imminent. Love and miss you all...ciao ciao...

::: posted by AJBrotz at 11:44 AM

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Monday, June 02, 2003 :::

Holy crap...July 10 = Finger Eleven @ the Social. I have officially shit my pants in Rome.
And I swear to God...if this show winds up being 21 and up, I'll implode.

Melo - your posting of that Dorothy Parker poem has made me aware of her name, and now, I notice that it is everywhere around town. Several posters have her picture and name on them. I haven't tried to translate the rest of the poster since it's in Italian, so I don't know if she's coming to town or what...but I thought it was very interesting (not coincidental, i'm sure). I'll let you know what I find out. Read some of her stuff off your blog...I dig. However, your blog didn't fully load, as technology here = poo, so i couldn't read your review of the new deftones record. I'd love a quick critique on my comments if you have the time...molto grazie...

Frank - congrats on the move, homez...hope it went/continues to go smoothly.

Brian/Anne - you've finally made it out of high school. At long last, welcome to...non...high school...ness. right. CONGRATULATIONS!

All American Rejects Crew: how was the trip!?!

EVERYONE - of the things i miss from the US, you top the list. I wish more than anything that you could be here. Just goes to show that it isn't where you are, but who you are with. Much love from Rome...

Pompei and Ischia this weekend = Inactive Volcano Climbing. Cannot wait. Seeing so much amazing art in countless museums has been awesome, but I'm definitely ready for some natural beauty. Beaches, hot springs, and the best part of it all: tons of fat, topless German tourists. I'm getting sweaty just thinking about it.

Hope everyone's enjoying their summer...ciao for now...

"il giornalista"

::: posted by AJBrotz at 12:47 PM

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Wednesday, May 28, 2003 :::

And now, we head over to Rome where correspondant Alan Brotz is on the scene...

This blog keeps giving me shit here in Europe, so I can't read any comments...thank you to those that have left them, even though i can't read them :)
Rome has finally started to feel more like home... - i think the initial moment of real comfort occurred after i slept past 9 AM for the first time; i'm so used to sleeping late that if i don't, everything incessantly feels foreign. Anyway...lost a few pairs of boxers to the wind while they were hanging out to dry...Tony the Tiger and my cheetahs are gone forever. Ah well...I'd rather lose them here than anywhere else...

If you haven't seen Matrix Reloaded yet and don't want it spoiled, STOP READING NOW.

Matrix Reloaded was rockin', but i don't feel that it lived up to the hype. Definitely didn't live up to the original. I keep comparing the two, and the way I see it, the original is this organized, intelligent, bad-ass movie with more focus on character interaction and development than anything else, and I always love films that really flesh out the characters. The sequel, in my opinion, is a rushed, unorganized mess of tons of awesome shit, with very little concentration on characters, more special (or not so special) effects, and limited definition. HOWEVER, I feel that to judge this film without seeing Revolutions would be insufficient and flawed...so I'll delay a final review for that reason. On it's own, MR feels incomplete and rushed. I AM inspired to check out Enter the Matrix on XBox, though... - if anyone has played it on any platform, let me know what you thought. I know that it fleshes out the general Matrix storyline, so that's what i'm looking forward to. And Frank, I agree with your gripes for MR wholeheartedly.

Frank - that's awesome that you're moving out. Craziness.... - who, if anyone, are you going to room with? And what's the deal again for the shindig when i get back? - lookin forward to it...Also, i was hopin' for a review of the new Deftones disc. Haven't picked it up yet, cuz the cheapest i've found it for is freakin 19+ Euros. Ridiculous.

We're going to Florence tomorrow for 4 days, so that should kick some serious ass...staying at an amazing hotel, eating at restaurants fit for royalty - it's all so incredible. I truly am the luckiest kid alive.

More detailed entry coming soon - i've had next to nothing to eat today, so my body is too busy hating me to allow my mind to think. Hope everyone's doing well...congrats to those who have finally finished high school! Juan, hope everything worked out well the other night. Miss you all more than words can say. Addio...

::: posted by AJBrotz at 12:32 PM

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Monday, May 19, 2003 :::

Thank you to everyone who commented/posted/e-mailed - i can't tell you how awesome it was to hear from you! Technology is amazing, isn't it? We're thousands of miles apart and still able to communicate. Benissimo...

Even though I'm keeping a separate handwritten journal, I think i'll try to keep this blog updated every day or so. So much easier..

The whole Rome Home group went out last night for dinner, and words cannot convey how delicious everything was. The meal put all Italian/American meals to shame. The quality of the grated cheese (not sure what kind yet) was phenomenal...i practically died, it was so good! I'm convinced that what we eat back in the States isn't even real cheese. And the sauce...perfetto. The meal consisted of several courses, each served separately, one after the other was finished: bread; bruschetta; pasta with sauce, cheese, and bacon; ham and potatoes; and tira misu (sp?). All of it was excellent. It may very well have been the best meal i've ever had, and to think - I have approximately 14 more prearranged meals of this caliber! I am truly the luckiest man alive...

On the frustration/remorse/whatever tip: I'm chalking most of it up to being so low on sleep. My body works in a manner where i don't necessarily get tired - just irritable. I don't see a solution to this sleep problem, but maybe it will work itself out over the course of six weeks. It's just...who wants to sleep while in a place as amazing as this? Also, I've made a few new friends, and two of them are very interested in photography, so Thursday morning, we're going out on the town for a few hours with the sole purpose being to take pictures. I am ecstatic. Hopefully, my SLR will stop being an asshole; it keeps playing this game where it partially advances the film to trick me into believing that everything is working fine...and then, out of nowhere, the camera tells me that the film chamber is empty. I've tried ignoring the display and finishing the roll, but the thing just stops advancing the film. I've had to partially expose 3 rolls of film thus far. Bitchass to my camera. Of all times to be a fuckup... Anyway, maybe it will correct itself.

Had my first class today, and so far, I'm extremely enthused. More details later...

This city is incredible... - took a quick tour around the neighborhood after dinner last night and man, there are some absolutely breathtaking sites. The Trevi Fountain is to DIE for...truly one of the most beautiful sites I've ever seen. Took pictures, but then my bitchass camera fucked up, so i may have lost them.

Starving, tired, and it's almost time for class...hope to post more tomorrow. Arrivederci!

::: posted by AJBrotz at 8:05 AM

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Sunday, May 18, 2003 :::

BONGIORNO! GREETINGS FROM ROMA! Holy crap, I'm in Rome! and it's really hard to type - the keyboard layout is different...and my time that i payed for is almost up...so this will be short...but HEY! I'm in another freakin' country! INSANE! For the most part, everything is going really well...but more details later. BEAUTIFUL. That's the word for this trip. Everything is gorgeous...I absolutely fell in love, head over heals, with Paris. It truly is the city of love...GOD, you just can't understand unless you go! So romantic...ahhhhhhhh...

Rome is nice so far - had cold pizza on accident, but that's alright (pizza here is totally different than pizza in the states - or even pizza in Paris, for that matter). I'm currently starving, having only eaten that and some junk food after the foodless 15 hour train ride from Paris.

I may be out of time...going to check to see if i can't pay for more... - one sec...
- Okay, it's all good. The guy will tell me how many EUROS I owe him once i'm finished. You guys...the euro is a much, much better system of currency than the dollar. There are coins for 1€, 2€, and, of course, for cents (1, 2, 10, 20, 50) - it's all so convenient (and how cool is that "€" symbol?!?). Each bill is its own color and size, and they're all much more attractive than our dirty green dollars. The only bad thing about having to use euros here is the exchange rate, as the euro is more powerful than the dollar.

Even though everything here in Europe has been exciting and...incredible, I find myself spending more time in frustration/remorse than happiness. Often, I would rather be by myself than with the group (Kim, Brandy, Nicole, Christy, and Drew), primarily because Drew is the only one that I can really be myself around and receive reciprocation from. Definitely growing tired of the group consisting primarily of girls (so much chatter/bitching/you know what i'm saying) but...it can only get better. I hate to complain - i just need to vent a little. It's only been four days, and already, this. Things should improve, though - classes start tomorrow, so we'll be meeting many other students, i.e. making more friends. Friends... - I wish more than anything that the crew could be here with me...Frank, Will, Brian, Juan - I miss you guys hardcore. And I do mean hardcore...but seriously, I'd love to share all of these experiences with you. There have been so many instances where our brand of humor and strengh of friendship would have perfectly complimented the situation. Juan, I walked past this violin player in the Metro (train) station in Paris - she was gorgeous, and her music was...ahhh...even though it only lasted a few seconds, I literally had tears in my eyes, and I know you would have freaked out in the same manor (probably ten times as extreme, which is why i love you). Such an abundance of live music in Paris... - accordian players on many of the trains, looking for tips (which, in my mind, they deserve - they're damn good)...small bands in the stations - in short: in Paris, i was in heaven. Beautiful architecture, beautiful flora/fauna, beautiful music...ahhh! And the couples... - there's such romance between them. French couples are the only people I would really define as "lovers." The way they hold each other...whispering...carressing...and the guys are so damn smooth and gentle - it's a strong contrast against what i'm used to seeing in the states (the macho front). Paris truly had everything I could ever want, being so rich in culture, so abundant in natural/ancient beauty - I could compare it to New York...or more accurately, Boston...but there's much more culture in Paris. It's glorious.
Melo, I don't know if you read this anymore, but I thought of you several times while in France, of how much you'd appreciate and savor everything. You HAVE to visit this place SOMEHOW, someday. Sorry for failing to return your calls - it was purely because i was busy, I promise. We'll catch up when i get back.

Rome is gorgeous, but i have yet to feel like i belong, like i felt in Paris. Ironic, eh? I'm sure that after six weeks, i'll feel more at home.

No luck in locating any music shops yet - there were a few Virgin Megastores in France, though, so i'm holding on to hope. Here in Rome, The Matrix Reloaded opens on the 23rd - I'll definitely be hitting that up, but i need to locate a theater first. Again, in Paris, there were three theaters on one street... - I have to stop comparing Paris to Rome! Rome WILL deliver!

There is so much to say...much of which I have captured on camera and in my journal, so to avoid feeling redundant, I'm going to end this entry. I miss everyone - EVERYONE - more than i've ever missed you before!

WHY THE HELL AM I ON THE INTERNET?!? I'M IN ROME!!! CIAO!!!

::: posted by AJBrotz at 10:35 AM

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Friday, April 04, 2003 :::

Will, Juan and my g-ville friend Nicole now have blogs - you can find links to them up *there*. Mandy has also joined us bloggers, but I don't know the address to her site, so the link isn't functional yet.

Props to Will for a very entertaining start to blogging...two thumbs up for Juan totally being himself (as you'll all notice) on his blog...and respect to Nicole for being uncommonly honest.

Not in a writing mood, but should be within the next few days. A few quick notes:

Absent: This demo is going to rule ass.

Brian: Feel better, homesnake.

Frank: Pick up the Absent DAT from my house any day after 6 - just tell my 'rents what you're there for.

Juan: Learn how to spell ;)

Will: Thanks for all the updates, brosnake.

Mark: Glad to have you onboard.

Lauren: When are we gettin' married?

Laura: Everything will be fine - see you soon!

Nicole: Thanks for cleaning my toilet.

Drew: Hope your ass heals soon.

Everyone: I love you

::: posted by AJBrotz at 1:57 AM

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Saturday, March 22, 2003 :::

Chris, Laura, Mayanne and I went to a cemetary at about 12 AM last night. None of us had ever been to this cemetary before. Laura and Mayanne had seen this cemetary in passing while driving to and from some place, but when we left to find it, neither of them could remember exactly where it was. Actually, while we were searching for it, we mistook a junkyard for the cemetary - Micanopy is a small, poor town, and in the middle of the night, it's nearly pitch black in some parts. After encountering the junkyard, Mayanne admitted that she might have mistaken that same junkyard for the cemetary all this time - that it was possible that there was no cemetary at all. After driving for what seemed like 30 minutes, Laura and Mayanne decided that if there truly was a cemetary, we must have passed it, so we turned back. While driving alongside dark woods and sidestreets, I shined my flashlight out through the passenger-side window onto the darkened formations passing by, hoping but not expecting. I swear to you - when the light happened upon that gravesite, it was as if the cemetary had appeared out of thin air... - for a moment, I honestly felt like we were in a movie.

This cemetary was absolutely perfect for moonlight viewing. The stones were all unique, as the majority of the bodies had been buried in the 1800s/early 1900s. If Laura and Chris hadn't been so scared by the whole scene, I don't think I would have taken on such a cool, calm head - I was inadvertently forced to assume a leader role, and if someone else had taken it before me, it is very likely that I would have been frightened for the entire duration of our stay. I cannot convey to you the feelings that struck me - a completely unfamiliar town, nevermind the tiny area that the cemetary consumed; pitch black, except for moonlight and one flashlight; complete silence, save for the wind through the trees and the occasional cracking of leaves beneath our feet; and the stones. These stones... - the affect when first illuminated by the flashlight was staggering. The most prominent memory from the entire experience was stumbling upon a stone slightly bigger than a brick, which simply read, in all caps, "FATHER." My stomach seized up immediately, and just as Mayanne predicted the probable presence of a MOTHER stone, we found it a few feet from the other. All of the stones were just so personal...so much more real than the ones found in modern cemetaries. Uniformity was absent here - real care had been taken in the creation and implementation of all of these markers. The whole experience was intriguing, unsettling...I'm one-hundred-percent glad that we went out there. I could write forever about this experience, but I'd much rather talk about it, so if anyone's interested in hearing more, let me know. The aftermath is especially interesting.

I'm currently on a kick where surprise and lack of information are of the highest value. Spontaneity, uncertainty, and the belief that literally anything is possible are the ideals of my life at the moment. I've only been on this kick for a few hours, and already, I'm practically terrified. Somehow, I've convinced myself that these ideals are practical and attainable, and thus, i've begun to adopt them...primarily the mindset that ANYTHING is possible...and I'm freakin' out. It's as if I've opened up new doors...erased boundaries...it's all very overwhelming. I'm on edge...as if I don't know anything and am suddenly now vulnerable to new threats...but this fright is taking place simply because it is 5 in the morning, everyone is asleep, I visited a cemetary earlier, and it's dead silent in this apartment. When combined with a burgeoning mindset that anything is possible, these ingredients make for near sheer terror. I'm really, really scared right now...and don't know if I'll be able to fall asleep. Maybe I'll be able to hope for the 180 that the morning will bring - believing that anything is possible obviously opens doors for new threats, but doors for new joys and excitement must open as well, and would be better illuminated in the daylight.

If this all seems crazy...i dunno, maybe it is? But I'm enjoying this new mental freedom, even if it's scaring the crap out of me. At the very least, this will prove to have been a profoundly interesting exercise in the capabilities of the imagination, but maybe, just maybe I'll retain a piece of this mindset indefinitely. For the moment, I truly believe that ANYTHING is possible, and that's amazing in itself.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 4:56 AM

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Thursday, March 20, 2003 :::

Ironically, my favorite record/song at the moment come from the same band that I previously listed as the biggest disappointment of 2002.
Dredg.
Very refreshing...a rare kind of band. Unquestionably, El Cielo is a mood-dependent record, but man when you're in the right mood...Excellent. It's an extremely relaxing record...beautifully executed as a whole, when listened to from start to finish. A true work of art, whose already exceptional depth is visually and textually complemented by the content of the booklet. This music should not be mixed in with all of the run-of-the-mill crap found on the shelves in today's music stores. I'm not trying to come off as some purist or whatever - I listen to quite a bit of "commercialized" music, but I'm capable of realizing when a band fits that mold or when it steps outside of the box. Many "original" bands do not appeal to me, and while I have some respect for them trying to do something different, I'm not going to deliberately spend extra time trying to develop a taste for them. However, when I come across something that truly stands out from the crowd and I honestly enjoy it, it IS something special...something noteworthy...even something to take more pride in than usual. I personally feel that Dredg falls into this category - they're doing something original, something uncommon...and they're doing it well...and ultimately, it appeals to my musical taste. Whether or not it will appeal to you, I have no place to say, but I recommend that you give this band a listen. "Scissor Lock" and "Sanzen" are exemplary of their style, but don't think that that's all there is to this band - each and every song has something unique to offer.

Much more to say, but it's nearly 5:30 AM...I'll pick up on this later.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 5:17 AM

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Monday, March 17, 2003 :::

Ugh...the Gainesville vs Orlando debate is consuming my life. Soon, the title of this blog will be changed to "Clarity or Depression."

::: posted by AJBrotz at 12:42 AM

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Saturday, March 15, 2003 :::

My new film policy: Never again will I tell someone my thoughts on a movie that he or she has not seen; at most, I will tell them whether or not i recommend it. I know that I prefer to go into a movie with as few expectations as possible...and given how seriously I take film, I think it best that others try to do the same... - in any case, I am not going to cast upon others that which I myself prefer to be absent from. However, from time to time, I'll include my opinions on certain films in this blog, preceeded by a disclaimer. Thus, here's the first

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN ROAD TO PERDITION AND INTEND TO, DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH.

Road to Perdition - nothing groundbreaking...never a real moment where i thought to myself "man, this is an excellent movie," but I definitely enjoyed this film. MAN it broke my heart at the end... - I knew that it had to go down that way, but still...it was set up so perfectly that it shattered me...and herein lies the problem. While I'm glad that it went down that way, I can't say that I enjoy being struck down into sadness, so it's unlikely that I'll ever really want to see this movie again. I guess I'm a sucker for happy, or at least ambiguous, endings. However, I thought it to be a great story of a father and his son...and on the surface, I don't see anything wrong with it... - it's just not one of those films that has a strong replay value for me. Nonetheless, I wouldn't mind owning it - a year or two down the road, I'd be fine with watching it again. Most emotionally-draining films have the same impact on me - Forrest Gump is the first exception that comes to mind, since there's soooo much plot in that movie. Strange coincidence that it's another Tom Hanks movie... - anyway, Road to Perdition is a fine example of superb filmmaking - especially in terms of cinematography - but as far as replay value is concerned, the story is too simplistic and emotionally exhausting. It's strength is it's weakness...but overall, I give it 4.5 out of 5 stars.

Spring break is practically over...from a critical standpoint, it was too quiet and uneventful - the story of my life, as of late, but that's another topic for another time. If only UF would stop being retarded and synch our break with that of pretty much every other state college...or at least with UCF's. No beach yet, but hopefully, we'll make it out there today, weather-permitting. Highlights so far: um...getting my hair cut, combined with much shorter sideburns; hangin' out with the friends and family a little bit; Road to Perdition...and sadly, that's about it. I could blame it on being sick, or maybe the medication... - I dunno. I've been in something of a funk lately. I feel the need to do some real soul-searching...a week by myself, maybe... - I dunno. Going back to Gainesville should help a bit, if I can get a handle on school. So much work to get done...

It may very well be that I've previously (and unsuccessfully) resigned myself to getting myself on something of a schedule, but this time around, I truly want to. This latest urge was sparked by the drive to Orlando last Friday. I left Gainesville around 8 in the morning - something I'd never done before - and literally felt like I was taking a new route home. In the light of the morning sun, everything had a glow to it...almost as if it was waking up with me... - it was nice. Of course, this sensation was probably due, in part, to the fact that I hadn't slept for two days straight...but regardless...I need to stop wasting my days away. In the end, sleep logic doesn't hold any weight as a respectable excuse. This all seems so childish, but it's time to admit that I'm being childish. If I get to bed earlier, I'll have less trouble waking up earlier. If I get more exercise, I'll have more energy, and will be able to spend more time awake than asleep. Naturally, if I'm awake during daylight, I'll be more inclined to spend time outside, which will result in better health, both physically and mentally. So...it's not like I don't know what I need to do...it's just the "doing" part that poses a struggle. One step at a time...

More on the UF versus UCF issue: everyone and everything seems to be telling me to come back home. There are more opportunities for furthering my knowledge in Digital Editing here...my family and friends are here...the scenery and citylife is much more to my liking here...perhaps the greatest immediate appeal - i'm closer to water. But the reasons for coming back are the same reasons for staying in Gainesville, and they accumulate to form this reason: There is more room and potential for personal growth in Gainesville than there is in Orlando. Yes, it is a hell of a lot harder for me, emotionally and mentally, to live at UF, but nothing truly worth doing is easy - or so I'm told. By staying In Gainesville, depriving myself of tools that, in Orlando, could practically be laid at my feet for a greater understanding of Digital Editing, but this forces me to take more initiative...to decide if this is truly the direction that I want to take with my life, and to take that extra step to stand out and take what I need, instead of simply sitting back and receiving it. I had a short chat with Daniel Moctezuma the other day at my brother's weightlifting match, and he really helped me to put things into perspective - whether or not he was truly being honest is up in the air, but he seemed completely heartfelt, and he seriously boosted my morale and self-confidence, telling me that he knew that I had talent...that I'd make it through...that every situation is what one makes of it. Anyone who knows Daniel knows that he's a huge success story - immense talent and dedication through discipline, dedication and God-given abilities...but for him to say "I know you can do it," - it really meant something...and I need to thank him. I wish I had his drive and his passion... - I intend to work towards attaining it. Of course, this all looks great on the screen...when will I supply all the thinking with action? Tomorrow's as good a day as any...

::: posted by AJBrotz at 2:45 AM

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Saturday, March 08, 2003 :::

okay...so...Coldplay is the best band currently in existence - on most days, anyway. After much listening, I've decided that I prefer A Rush of Blood to the Head over Parachutes, although Parachutes remains in my all-time top 10. "Warning Sign" and "The Scientist" are absolutely delicious...so warm, so uplifting...yet so somber at the same time - it's genius, i tell you! GENIUS!

overly brief review of the new Evanescence record, Fallen: The recording quality is excellent. The quality of (almost) each song is superb. The band could not be tighter. Overall, it really is a great album...but now, on to my gripes. When listening to the record from start to finish, it often feels as though you've heard the same song a few times over. Stylistic diversity is lacking. There ARE two ballad-esque songs ("My Immortal" and "Hello"), but other than that, every track is pretty much built with the same structure, same guitar sound, and same mood...and as far as "My Immortal" is concerned, they completely destroyed what was once a beautiful song (as it was found on their previous album, "Origin") with utterly tasteless electronic strings. I could bitch about this one aspect of the album all day, but I usually just skip the track and rely on "Hello" for a (huge) change of pace. Really sad song...but after a few listens, I came to appreciate it on several levels, primarily because it does an excellent job of showcasing singer Amy Lee's beautifully dynamic and seamless voice. Another gripe - remember my last post, when I commented on "thirty seconds of greatness" within the duration of "Imaginary?" Yeah, well...the powers that be completely removed that part of the song. I cannot convey to you how upset I was when I first listened to it on the new record...ugh. But that, "My Immortal," and the redundant structuring of the songs aside, it's an impressive major-label debut. In final reference to the feeling of similarity found throughout the cd - fortunately, the songs have several layers - layers that I notice more and more each time I listen to the record. In conclusion, I definitely recommend purchasing the album. I guarantee that Evanescence will go down as being one of the very few bands that actually found success in pairing heavy rock with a female vocalist.

I'm sick, and lemme tell you, it's absolutely shit-tastic. "Here's spring break, Alan...here's a week at home with all of your friends, Alan... - oh, and we can't forget to present you with this mother of a sinus infection." Thanks a pant-load. This pretty much screws up any plans of practicing with my band, since my throat, chest, and ultimately, my voice have been destroyed by this bitch-ass infection. On the bright side... - wait. There isn't a bright side to being this sick. Ugh...

I should comment on last weekend: Good times, good times...It was great to hang out with everyone at Animal Kingdom, MGM, and Epcot. Highlights would have to include getting pictures with characters, seeing the down-syndrome panda bear, getting the shaft-seat on the tower of terror (everyone but me had a bar to keep them in the seat - i had a seatbelt - scary stuff), riding the "Best Ride Ever!," and of course, seeing Juan and Will as extras in the Indiana Jones show at MGM. Absolutely hilarious... The party at Juan's was excellent, as well... - it was superb to see Juan's Mac screw up over and over again :) Just kidding...but seriously, PCs are just as good, if not a thousand-times better.

Of course, the biggest news of the year has been the announcement of the engagement of my main man Frank and his girl Lauren. I won't lie - I'm more than a little skeptical about this whole thing...but in the long run, if Frank has truly thought this thing out and is sure that this is his path to insurmountable happiness, then I'm all for it.

Time to catch up on sleep - missed two nights in a row. More posting to come... Hope to see everyone soon...

::: posted by AJBrotz at 1:52 AM

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Thursday, February 20, 2003 :::

Best moments in entertainment this year, thus far:

By far, the best song this year has been "Foreign Language" by Anberlin. In my opinion, it's the very definition of rock and roll. If anyone ever asked me to describe it, I'd just say that it was "rockin'". Unfortunately, the only version of the song that I've found on Kazaa is the demo, which isn't nearly as good as the version found on the Tooth and Nail sampler cd that comes with Further Seems Forever's new album. If you have a decent connection to the 'net and wanna' hear it, I'll send it to ya. So good...

The award for all-around goodness within a song goes to Evanescence. It starts around the 2:05 mark in "Imaginary" and goes 'till about 2:36. Thirty seconds of greatness.

The best new band of the year would be Evanescence, but they've been around for a while already - they're just now releasing their first major label debut is all - but then, it's terribly unlikely that any band that formed this year is going to come out with something amazing for us to hear, so...yay Evanescence. This band is going to take the world by storm.

Shittiest music news of the year (so far): Finger Eleven is off the bill for Ozzfest. Damn it all, I'm NEVER going to see my favorite (?) band in concert.

Best movie thus far: not even worth saying, because X2 and The Matrix movies are still to come. What a GREAT YEAR for the entertainment industry!


Enough of that for now, i guess... - so here are my thoughts on Daredevil. It wasn't anything terribly special, but I enjoyed myself. Colin Farell did a great job portraying Bullseye, who was probably my favorite character in the movie. There was far too much "showcasing" of music, though... - unless a movie intends to be a musical, there should never be full non-diagetic songs. I'll probably wind up buying it when it comes out on dvd. X-Men was definitely better, but I thought that DD beat out Spiderman. Less corn, less digital-graphic-mess, more mature... - or maybe i just need to watch Spiderman again. DD was darker...less Hollywood...and I like that. I suppose that nothing will ever top the original Batman...but I felt that Daredevil was a step in the right direction. X2 looks DAMN promising, though...but there's so much shit going on that it may wind up feeling schizophrenic. We'll see...

This coming Tuesday is the release date for the debut record from Mae, entitled "Destination: Beautiful". If you're a fan of Jimmy Eat World or any band similar to them, I HIGHLY recommend you purchase this album. Download "Sun" and "Embers and Envelopes," see what you think, and if you dig it, look for it on Tuesday.

Alright, stop reading and go outside.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 5:42 PM

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Tuesday, February 18, 2003 :::

"I met a man locked away for things he hadn't done.
Innocence on a ball and chain, he'll never feel the sun
Again on his face or roses in his hands,
But when he smiled at me, I could understand:

"If you're free, you'll never see the walls.
If your head is clear, you'll never free fall.
If you're right, you'll never fear the wrong.
If your head is high, you'll never fear at all."

-an excerpt from "Exploder" by Audioslave

::: posted by AJBrotz at 3:21 AM

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Wednesday, February 12, 2003 :::

So...everyone and their mother was sold out of Further Seems Forever's new album today (yesterday, technically), except for two places that I never buy records from - FYE and Borders. Best Buy had the cd for 6muthafuckin'99, but apparently, it sold like hotcakes...anyway, i had to resort to paying 10.99 at Borders. Still not a bad price, but i could have saved $4. It's a decent cd... - two tracks are definitely awesome, but they were tracks that i had already heard, and the rest of the cd seems...okay. The new singer is good enough, but he's no Chris Carrabba. But on to the real point of this post...
Packaged with the Further album is a sampler cd, consisting of 10 tracks from various bands that are signed to Tooth and Nail. In all honesty, after listening to the first 5 tracks, i was compelled to purchase 5 cds. This is good MUSIC! It's as if i forgot what music really was... - no screaming, huge melody, great vocals, tasteful guitars...it's just...nice. Nice is the word. I'll recommend one track for now: "Foreign Language" by Anberlin. Fun stuff...complete with "doo doo doo's" and all. Lemme know what you think - i really think you'll dig it, anne. I'll comment on more bands as i get to know them. ciao...

::: posted by AJBrotz at 3:23 AM

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Thursday, February 06, 2003 :::

Daredevil is almost here...but until then, I will have the remants of Chicago to hold me over. I shall see the acclaimed musical this weekend...

"It's time for some Headlines!"

TOP 3 ALBUMS OF 2002 (in loose, often-changing order):
Finch: What it is to Burn
The Used
Blindside: Silence
These CDs spent the most time in my CD player last year, and still can't seem to stay out of it. Great music, heartfelt lyrics, superb recording qualities - in my eyes, these 3 albums were enough to make 2002 an exceptional year for music. Awesome musical journeys, from their beginnings all the way through to their ends.
Interesting (and encouraging) fact: these three records were the major label debuts for each band.

TOP 3 SONGS OF 2002:
Evanescence: Bring Me to Life
Mad at Gravity: In Vain
Vanessa Carlton: Sway
What can I say...these songs have made my list of all-time favorite songs. If you haven't already, DOWNLOAD THEM.
Interesting fact: none of the above artists released records that made my top 3. However, M@G was a runner up, and Evanescence will surely become a favorite of 2003 once it is released (on March 4th).

BEST SURPRISE OF 2002:
Audioslave
I really wasn't expecting much from this band, and I'm happy to say that they totally caught me off-guard. When listening to this album, it is as if Chris Cornell and the boys of Rage had been together for years prior to making this recording. Nothing feels forced - it's all very natural-sounding, and GOOD. We'll just have to see if they can stay together long enough to make another album...

WORST DISAPPOINTMENT OF 2002:
Dredg: El Cielo
Now this one...this one really vexed me. I had HUGE expectations for this album after hearing amazing reviews, enormous hype, and only one song... - I even lit candles in my room when I spun the disc for the first time. It's not that it's a bad album, by any means... - far from it, in fact...but...I dunno. The recording quality is less than impressive, the band is not nearly tight enough to satisfy me...but I guess the band's main downfall is the vocalist. There's just something annoying about it...something that doesn't fit the music. Something...well...something dead. Listen to a few tracks and you'll probably catch my drift. Definitely not a bad record - it just doesn't come close to classification as one of my favorites. Disappointment.

TOP 3 MOVIES OF 2002:
The Ring
Minority Report
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Yeah, go ahead, bitch at me, but I'm putting The Ring at the top of the list. As most of you know, this movie completely scared THE SHIT right on out of my asshole. I had serious issues with freaking myself out after seeing the movie for 3 nights in a row, and occasionally, I still have some trouble sleeping - whenever Samara sneaks into my head. NO OTHER MOVIE has ever had this strong of an effect on me. Maybe it was just the night I saw it...maybe I was in the perfect mood for a horror flick...but all I can say is I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE SEQUEL. The movie comes out on dvd March 4th - I suggest you all pick it up. It'll be great for stormy nights when you're with your significant other. Just make sure you make a copy. As for the other two movies - you've all heard more than enough about them from everyone and their mother.

BEST SHOW OF 2002:
South Park
I think this show has become a bit underrated, and it's a shame, because honestly, it's just as funny as it ever was.

That's enough for now...BEST MOMENT is yet to come, but that one deserves some serious consideration.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 9:11 PM

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Tuesday, February 04, 2003 :::

Quickies:

Prayers to all who were affected by the Columbia tragedy.

I miss the island so much it hurts...

The Recruit is a decent flick - definitely worth seeing.

Panzer Dragoon Orta is an amazing game. Absolutely gorgeous visuals.

Download "Field of Innocence" and "Even in Death" by Evanescence.

Watch out for the transdimensional warp.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 1:54 AM

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Friday, January 31, 2003 :::

So...I dropped Physical Basis of Music. I do feel kinda shitty...like I gave up without giving the class a fair chance...but overall, I think my reasons for dropping it are justified.
Initially, the idea of taking the class sounded great - one of my film classes didn't seem appealing, so I'd trade it for Physical Basis of Music, which not only involved music (my sustainance in life), but also fulfilled my need for 2 physical science gen-ed credits. Seemed ideal - but turned out to be a completely different story. I'm sure that I would be much happier and less stressed right now if I had stuck with the original film class. Way too much math here... - way too black and white... - way too unappealing. A huge reason that I love the Arts is that very little subject material is concrete - it consists primarily of theories and opinions - subject matter that has actual depth, not a simple, immobile answer. I mean, seriously...how much satisfaction can one attain from solving a math problem? I know that I achieve very little... - I don't grow in any way, shape or form after reaching such a goal. I don't gain a better grasp of what I consider to be life. Anyway, you see what I'm saying. Of course, the ultimate goal is to learn math skills so that they can later be applied in real-life situations...but I don't want to be a mechanic. I don't want to be an electrician. I want to expand my mind beyond the confines of the workings of materialistic objects...to be able to effectively and accurately analyze things that matter to me - things that make my heart soar and/or shatter...things that make the hairs on my arms rise time and time again. Sure, it'd be nice to understand how a speaker works...it's technicalities - but only because after acquiring such knowledge, I might be better equipped to identify the differences between different speakers and conclude which ones I should spend my money on. I don't lay in bed at night and get myself off by thinking about how my badass subwoofer sounds so great in my car - I just thank God for giving people minds that thrive off of knowing that sort of thing, so that I am able to reap the benefits of their labors. Shallow? I don't think so... - someday, I'll be creating either music, movies, or maybe even both, and these works of passion will entertain the very same makers of my camera, my guitar, etc. My heart belongs to the arts, and ultimately, I have to follow it. In conclusion, no more Physical Basis of Music. The class had way too much math and should have required the students to have a background in physics (a subject that I never touched in high school). In the long run, I'm sure that I would have been able to make a passing grade in the class... - maybe even a B - but that would have been a result of the teacher's passiveness and my adapting to the way the class works, as far as grading goes; in the end, I wouldn't retain even half of the material I forced myself to memorize for the tests. I feel like I'm droning on...

Having made this decision, I hope to be able to better focus my efforts on furthering my physical, hands-on experience with Film. Tuesday, I am going to discuss post-production with my Postmodernism professor, to see if he can't hook me up with some kind of job, or at least point me in the right direction. I am aware that eventual success in this field requires DOING, not just LEARNING; I need to put together something of a portfolio...a collection of works...and I need to work with kids who are more experienced in the field, so that I can have a better idea of what I'm up against. The field of post-production (digital editing is my specific passion, but the term post-production basically refers to anything that is done to the footage after all of the physical shooting with the camera is done) is a highly competitive field, and I feel that I have an eye for it...but I haven't seen much of the "competition" and have no real idea of the standards, so...I guess that's pretty pathetic, but I'm on my way out of this predicament. Starting Tuesday.

I plan to achieve some source of income, whether through school or from outside of it, and the extra time I'll have from dropping Physical Basis of Music will undoubtedly make this an easier task for me to take on. Plus (and what a big plus it is), I'll have 3 day weekends! Kick ass...but I'm willing to sacrifice them for work. Partially, anyway.

Bought a new XBOX game today: Legacy of Kain: Blood Omen 2. The game doesn't look outstanding, persay, but I was a huge fan of Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver, and this one was only 20 bucks, so...I deemed it a worthwhile purchase. If any of you gamers are reading this and have heard anything about the game, lemme know...

The Recruit is released into theaters today (!!!), and I intend to see it Saturday, since I'm sure that the theater will be packed tonight. Al Pacino is motherfuckingbadassnumberone, no doubt...

Evanescence is an amazing band...great, great music. Amy Lee has a fabulous voice, and the songwriting is nothing short of exceptional. Awesome stuff... - can't wait until their major-label debut through Wind-Up Records on March 4th. I highly suggest that everyone reading this buys "Fallen" on the day it's released - there's no way in hell that you will regret it.
On a similar note, the music of Skunk Anansie has been filling my ears over the past few days. Again, another example of a outstanding band that never should have broken up. Up until I heard Evanescence, the Skunk was my favorite band led by a female vocalist. They still outdo Evanescence in certain areas...primarily due to Skin (the vocalist) and her absolutely amazing raw energy. Their last release, "Post Orgasmic Chill," is well worth the 15 bucks that you'd probably spend on it, but you might be able to find it in a used-cd shop for less. Either way, download a few tracks - I recommend "Charlie Big Potato," "We Don't Need Who You Think You Are," "Secretly," and "You'll Follow Me Down" - and if you dig it, make the trip out to Best Buy or your local record store.

Nicole and I started planning for the upcoming trip to Italy. I cannot convey to you how insanely excited I am about this... - it is absolutely mindblowing. I start flipping through travel books, and I have to stop, take a huge breath, and wait a few seconds to recover from the overwhelming beauty that is Italy. My God...it's unfathomable. I seriously feel like something is going to happen to prevent me from going on this trip - some unforeseen event has to happen to disrupt this possibility of traveling overseas to the home of over 75% of the world's masterpieces...doesn't it? It doesn't seem real at all. It's a dream...until the day I leave on that plane, it's a dream. One of the best dreams I've ever had.

Black Hole Productions is readying it's first musical. Hold on to your butts...

::: posted by AJBrotz at 3:36 AM

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Tuesday, January 28, 2003 :::

Congratulations, you're New Orleans, the wild city.
What US city are you? Take the quiz by Girlwithagun.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 11:14 PM

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Monday, January 27, 2003 :::

It feels as if there is so much lost time to make up for, "but I don't owe anything to anyone but me" - identify that lyric, and I'll hug your leg. Life is definitely in full motion (as opposed to apathy - life at a standstill)...but I never cease to feel that my sails are not set at their full potential. Why this constant lack of fulness...this neverending partial emptiness? I want to embrace, but can never seem to open my arms wide enough. Friday night, for the first time in a long time, I prayed, thanking God, asking his forgiveness and direction...included some casual banter... - it was "nice." That night, I had some interesting dreams, but they all had this positive aura to them, and I awoke with energy - with enthusiasm, which isn't all that common for me. It has often been routine for me to place the blame for this "emptiness" on my occasional deterrance from communication with "Him," so there's no doubt that that's saying something. Obviously, more "concrete" factors are prevalent, such as the absence of any real physical activeness in my day-to-day life...but I am working on that. The main problem right now that has the most immediate possible solution is my virtual inability to attend my Physical Basis of Music class. If I get that under my belt, then I will have obtained a stronger sense of accomplishment, which will in turn aid the other areas of my psyche that are struggling. It's amazing to me how feelings of achievement and accomplishment can cause a complete 180 in one's attitude and confidence level...simple, but for some reason, it seems almost inexistent in my mind. It's like, I feel that this should have been tought to me, to us, to our parents... - it is conceivable to me that a life without some sort of pride is...terrible. I feel that it is appropriate at this time to mention the most visible embodiment of my errors, which stems from having never mastered the art of "discipline" - sleep logic. Countless times I have set my alarm, woken up, and "reasoned" with myself that a) I have more time to sleep; b) I need more sleep; c) I don't really need to go to class - I'll make up an excuse later and everything will be fine. Those reasons seem to be the most common, but while in the realm of sleep logic, practically any reason seems reasonable. There is no worse feeling for me than the guilt that comes with realizing that I slept through class...AGAIN...without any valid excuse. It truly makes me sick (mentally) - it's really a vicious cycle, beginning with missing class, following with feeling shitty about missing class, which dissolves self-confidence - which is necessary for initiative to change, and then, the cycle begins again. I know (while I'm fully awake) that if I could just kick my ass out of bed for about 5 or 10 minutes, I could escape the clutches of sleep logic, but I rarely enact this knowledge.
The coming morning presents me with another opportunity to turn it all around... - we'll see if I can't take advantage. And yes, I realize that this may seem pathetic to many of you reading...but ultimately, you aren't me, so if you don't sympathize or understand, that fact alone is enough justification for me. No intention of sounding harsh there...

I didn't intend to write about all of that - which I know is the best reason for me to have written it. Authenticity is key.

A song to sum it all up:

Awake at ground zero...
Another day wasting away.
Nothing seems to matter,
'Cause nothing's ever changed.
California dreamin'
Has never meant that much to me
When living in this nightmare
Comes so easily.

Holding on, when I don't belong
If this is right, then I can't go wrong
Holding on, but I know right now 'll never make it.

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow
And figure out where to begin...
Then maybe I won't feel so hollow
But I'm pretty sure that I'll be sleeping in.

Days seem like they're decades
And minutes pass like years gone by...
Still I sit here wasting
The time of my life.
California dreamin'
Will never mean that much to me,
And you'll never understand
How it feels to be

Holding on, when you don't belong,
When you don't feel right, but it's all you've got...
Holding on, but I'm pretty sure I'll never make it.

Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow
And figure out where to begin.
Then maybe I won't feel so hollow...
It's 3 AM and it feels like these 4 walls are caving in -
Please tell me I'm not alone, cause I'm tired of sleeping in.
-"Tomorrow" by Homegrown

I don't think I'll be writing about the typical day-to-day stuff that used to fill my entries - practically all value of this blog was lost when I did that. Thus, I will make no attempt whatsoever to tend to this blog with accordance to any routine intervals. If I feel inspired, I'll add a few (or a plentitude of) lines. I have no inclination to keep a record of casual happenings - only moments characterized by notable emotion and/or enlightenment. In effect, it seems as though I'm telling myself to start again (with a brand new name) and fewer restrictions instigated by insecurity or whatever. It's pretty much a resurgence of the original intention - to write for my own sake.

Again, thank you to Frank for being himself.

LIGHT.

::: posted by AJBrotz at 2:32 AM

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